Weapon o’ the Week: A candlestick. No, literally, a candlestick.

After getting caught shoplifting from a convenience store, a man confessed that he had some stolen gummy worms in his pocket and offered to walk back in and pay for them. He did not, however, mention the two cans of stolen beer, the Xanax, and the four methadone pills that were also in his pockets.

At a traffic stop, one of the passengers in a car had some MDMA on her. She initially folded it up in a dollar bill and hid it in her bra cup, but then she got anxious and tried to hide the dollar bill in her mouth. When she realized she would have to get out of the vehicle, she pulled the dollar bill out of her mouth and crammed it into a crease in the backseat.

While police were investigating a ransacked house, a man swerved onto the street in a pickup truck, nearly hitting an officer. Shirtless and shoeless and smelling like booze, he hopped out of the truck, threw his keys on the ground, and said, “You can’t arrest me because the keys aren’t in the ignition.” The man was yelling profanities at police officers, so the cops arrested him, but not before he spat bloody saliva on three officers and a firefighter.

Veteran Card o’ the Week: A drunk man picked a fight with another man on a sidewalk. When the other man told him to leave, the drunk man said, “I’m a war veteran, I’m a war veteran, I don’t have to listen to you.” When a police officer arrived on the scene, the drunk man pleaded, “Look, I know I’m drunk, I’ll admit it, but I’m a veteran.” Then he repeated over and over again, “Come on, I’m a veteran.” The officer arrested him on a public intoxication charge.

Stolen From Homes This Week: A Playstation 3 and controllers, the videogame Red Dead Redemption, a digital camera, four laptop computers, a smartphone wall charger, a smartphone, a cell phone, a tablet computer, a yellow vacuum cleaner, some bathing suits, two socket wrench sets, a 22-inch maplewood drum, and two air conditioning units.

Somebody stole a trailer that was used by a gyro restaurant to cater events. Let’s hope the thief isn’t a re-pita-fender.

Three men and a juvenile were caught shooting dice in a public park. They were ticketed for gambling.

After a man got pulled over because an officer saw him texting while driving, he reportedly told the cop, “I’m sorry I was texting … I just got out of Leeds Avenue … for DUS … I don’t have a driver’s license.” He was arrested again for driving under suspension.

Congenial Thief o’ the Week: When an officer caught two men peering into car windows in a parking garage, one of them told the cop, “I know you guys are doing your job. What we did was wrong.” Then he added, “Just the other day we came over here and broke into some of those cars, but we didn’t get anything.”

A man who was carrying a liter of vodka while attempting to enter a bar after midnight allegedly smashed the bottle on a sidewalk outside the front door and then denied to police that he had done it. According to an incident report, the man denied having been in the area … while he was still in the area.

Dumb Scam o’ the Week: A man walked up to the self-checkout lane at a grocery store with $324.29 worth of groceries in his cart, swiped a drink mix over the scanner several times, and paid $10.17. He was immediately caught and arrested for shoplifting.

Global Citizen o’ the Week: When police asked a drunk man for his address, he replied, “Everywhere.”

When police questioned a man who had run his car into a parked vehicle, the man confessed that he had been texting while driving. Police searched his vehicle and found a prescription-less Xanax pill and a bag containing a mysterious crystalline substance.

All-Time Low o’ the Week: An officer looked inside a parked vehicle with the engine still running, and found the driver asleep at the wheel with her fly unzipped and the smell of vomit wafting out into the night air. When she came to, the woman said, “I knew I was too drunk to drive, so I parked my car.” The car was parked on a sidewalk downtown.

When asked if he had been drinking, a man replied, “Well, it’s nighttime, ain’t it? So hell yeah!”