Illustration by Steve Stegelin

The Blotter is taken from reports filed with Charleston Police Department between Feb. 3 and Feb. 9. No one described in this section has been found guilty, just unlucky.

BLOTTER O’ THE WEEK: Security footage caught one man stealing a large amount of laundry supplies, including scent boosters, detergent and Gain “Flings.” Poor guy clearly read an article about
“money laundering” and got confused.

An assortment of clothes and Beats by Dre headphones were stolen from a West Ashley department store. The stolen goods’ total value was just under $500. We are pretty sure since the headphones have a famous dude’s name on them, they were a hefty portion of that value.

A woman reported her purse was stolen from a house party after she put it down on what either she or the police called a “budda head.” It’s probably a Buddha head, but would be great if it was actually a bust made of butter.

Police pulled over a black Dodge Charger for turning without a signal on Meeting Street. We know where you think this is going, but the driver was apparently very cooperative and let off with a warning, even after police found the marijuana and the gun.

Police responded to an emergency call about a woman that claimed her legs had gone numb and she was unable to stand up. Her family said the only history of drugs she had was marijuana, of which officers found 0.25 grams in her bedroom. Bad trip, man.

A box containing 50 .22-caliber rounds of ammunition was stolen from a West Ashley vehicle parked behind the owner’s residence. At least the owner was smart enough not to leave his gun in the unlocked car, too. Unlike some people.

One man told officers his Nissan was stolen, and he was pretty bummed about it. We wonder how it must have felt when officers had to explain that they found his car, and the resulting pursuit ended in a wreck.

A West Ashley man, who apparently watched too many cop shows, kicked in his girlfriend’s door in what she said was an attempt to look cool. He caused excessive damage, obviously, and immediately fled the scene. Even cooler.

Another catalytic converter was stolen from five Mercedes vans parked at an abandoned building along Savannah Highway. This is apparently a nation-wide epidemic, even the New York Times did an expose on the crime last week.

A downtown man cracked open a cold one in front of a police officer last Monday, looked him square in the eyes and asked if he “would let him walk away.” He did not. Not cool, man.

As our writer was finishing up this week’s edition of the Blotter, it began to rain about four hours earlier than forecasted, resulting in a rushed attempt at a final entry — this one — to prevent his laptop from getting too wet. We hope you understand.