Steve Stegelin

The Blotter is taken from Charleston Police Department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.

Blotter o’ the week:
A woman was cited for having an open container after officers saw her drinking from a small box of wine outside of a downtown Baptist church. I bet they didn’t even consider that it could have been full of water before she approached the church.

Police responded to an injured party on Monday after a man reportedly stabbed himself in the leg with a kitchen knife, “just to see if it would hurt.” Officers made it a point to note that the man started drinking around 4 p.m. that day.

A man was observed trespassing on the property of a downtown grocery store. Security footage showed him entering the store, standing in the pharmacy for a brief moment, and then leaving. The store manager told police that the suspect applied for a job at some point, but failed the drug test. Listen, he didn’t steal from the pharmacy. He was probably trying to prove that he doesn’t have a drug problem.

A man at a downtown gas station was cited for trespassing after he was caught asking patrons if he could pump gas for them for a few extra dollars. You say trespasser, we say entrepreneur.

Two sets of golf clubs were stolen from two different vehicles parked in the driveways of two different residences. Coincidence? Maybe, but we think something bigger is going on.

Three iPhones were stolen from a vehicle in West Ashley last weekend: an iPhone 4 (valued at $20), an iPhone 5 (valued at $50), and an iPhone 7 (valued at $100). Just like cars and Hollywood actors, iPhones drastically lose their value as they get older.

Police reported to a downtown residence in response to a possible fraud/identity theft. The victim says that she received a letter indicating that an unauthorized student loan was taken out in her name and she owed close to $9,000. Student loans continue to rob people of their future.

A woman reported that her car was broken into by four or five teenage boys. The only thing she confirmed as having been stolen was a tea kettle. Ah yes, the Teapot Boys. Classic.

On a popular downtown street, a man was observed driving a moped on the sidewalk. When police approached the suspect, they conducted a breathalyzer test, which showed him to be over two times the legal limit. Nobody told this guy that mopeds are what you drive after you get a DUI, seems like.

Police responded to a West Ashley hotel, where a complainant claimed there was an odor of marijuana and chemicals coming from a room. Officers searched the room, but could not find any evidence of marijuana. The report says that the most likely explanation is that the subjects were “manufacturing fake marijuana in order to sell.” Is it criminal to make fake weed? Asking for a friend.

Three handguns were stolen from vehicles and two were stolen from houses in the past couple weeks. Tune in next week when we find out if our giant new brick structure on wheels is classified as a house or a car.