BLOTTER O’ THE WEEK: Somebody managed to shoplift 145 brassieres from a lingerie store without getting caught. OK, that’s actually really impressive.

A woman who had been accused of shoplifting at a convenience store tried to hide from police in the restroom. The cops eventually flushed her out.

Somebody scratched the word “ASS” into the hood of a man’s brand-spankin’-new luxury sedan.

A burglary victim gave this description of a cleaning lady who was accused of stealing a $1,500 bracelet: “She was a grandmother and didn’t look it.”

The Things They Shoplifted: An air purifier, a vacuum cleaner, a microwave, an XBox, an LCD monitor, two cans of insect repellent, a steam mop, a skillet, a set of cooking pans, a griddle, a pancake pan, four packages of D batteries, a door mat, and an oven.

In the incident report for an open-container violation, an officer noted that the can of beer a man was drinking at a bus stop was “half full.” Call him an optimist.

The employees at a grocery store were doing inventory at 1 a.m. when a man knocked on the automatic front doors, which were locked for the night. When the employees told the man they were closed, he picked up rocks and threw them through the glass doors. Later, when police asked him why he had done it, he said, “I just got out of jail, and they keep releasing me.”

DUI Incident Report Quote o’ the Week: “The offender was asked to state the alphabet. The offender looked down, as if to remember, then declined to say the alphabet.”

A man stole $85 worth of laundry detergent from a store by stuffing the packages into his pants. Ain’t gonna catch him ridin’ dirty.

Shoplifting Excuse o’ the Week: “My friend told me that the clerk doesn’t care if we steal stuff when he’s working.”

A woman who had just gotten into a single-car accident downtown was hysterical as she tried to find her driver’s license, vehicle registration, and proof of insurance. A police officer offered to help search her car, and she replied, “Please, I’m freaking out and can’t find anything.” The officer found a glass pipe with pot residue in her center console, and she swore she didn’t know how it had gotten there.

The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.