Blotter o’ the Week: Shoplifters are suspected of heisting more than 100 bottles of gel nail polish valued at over $1,600.

A suspect entered a downtown shop and began to inquire about jerky. It was at this point that the man allegedly approached the sales counter with knife in hand and demanded money from the register. Store staff informed the jerky jerk that he was being filmed by six security cameras and recommended that the would-be thief take his leave. This proved to be all the motivation the camera-shy crook needed, and he quickly fled the shop.

A suspected thief was stopped and searched by an officer one afternoon. In the man’s bag, an officer discovered six knives, a box of ammunition, two cameras, a CD case, and various styles of women’s sunglasses. The officer asked the man to name one of the CDs in the case, but the suspect drew a blank before ultimately turning all the items over to the police.

After a family argument, a father locked his son’s cell phone in a safe as punishment. Unbeknownst to the father, the son knew the combination to the family vault. After retrieving his phone, the son decided to take things one step further and took off in his dad’s vehicle, according to an incident report.

One man was found unconscious in the driver’s seat of his vehicle, which was parked in the middle of the street. It was later discovered that the gentleman was huffing his way through a four-pack of canned air when he passed out.

After being stopped for drinking in public on a short walk home, a man told an officer, “I only live two blocks from here. Can’t you just cut me a break?” It was at this point that the officer mentioned to the man that “it would have been a good idea to drink the beer at home,” according to an incident report.

A quick search of one attempted shoplifter’s purse uncovered a diverse collection of paintbrushes, a book of tattoo stickers, and a bottle of vitamins.

A driver apologized to officers for driving the wrong way down a one-way street, saying it was his first night driving a cab. It turns out it wasn’t his first night dealing with police, as a quick search revealed an outstanding warrant for his arrest. Talk about a rough first day on the job.

One local man noticed a few strange purchases to his bank account, including $200 at a sushi restaurant in Texas and $150 charge from iTunes.

A woman awoke one morning to find human feces smeared along the side of her car. She mentioned to officers that she and her husband had been having a few issues with their neighbors, but were uncertain who was behind the crap attack.

More than 100 live rounds of ammunition along with dozens of additional shell casings were found scattered around a roadway early one morning.

All of you red Solo cup fans out there, be warned. The police are onto your tricks. In an incident report, an officer noted, “It is common practice for people to conceal alcoholic beverages in the aforementioned cups.”

An intoxicated man struck up a conversation with two officers on duty downtown. The man’s questions quickly took a turn for the worse as he pointed to one of the officers and asked, “Is he black?” according to an incident report. After refusing to take a cab home because he did not know the driver, the man told the officers, “I wish I was black,” before he was finally arrested.

A man arrested for driving under the influence became agitated when officers removed him from the back of a police car. According to an incident report, the man shouted, “I was just trying to sleep and enjoy my high,” as police pulled him from the car. When it came time to part ways with the arresting officer, the suspect left him with the cryptic message “I’ll see you in med school.” It probably sounded much cooler in his head.

A man called police after accidentally firing a round into his living room wall one evening while cleaning his gun. No one was injured, but it’s going to be pretty difficult to get that security deposit back.