Illustration by Steve Stegelin

BLOTTER O’ THE WEEK: One woman was seen “walking suspiciously” inside a downtown convenience store. For once, this descriptor was on target, since the woman had stuffed her pants with a couple bottles of MD 20/20.

The scariest phrase to be uttered at roughly 4 a.m.: “I know you ain’t trying to break into my apartment.” We suppose it’s only scary if you are, in fact, trying to break into someone’s apartment. After all, it did get two would-be burglars to jump from a second story balcony and drive away.

Moms around the world were vindicated when a stolen vehicle was found being driven by a juvenile smoking a blunt. They were always right, marijuana is a gateway drug, and it leads right to stealing cars.

The weather is warming up, so people are stealing bicycles again. Our first victim, a downtown woman, had her mountain bike snagged right off the rack it was chained to. We can only hope that winter returns soon, and local cyclists can feel safe again.

A collection of building materials including brass valves, primers and distribution cups were stolen from a lockbox at a downtown construction site. Stay tuned for a special Blotter where we total up the cost of all these stolen building supplies and see how close our thief is to their completed Lowcountry beach house.

The owner of a Tesla was told by a downtown bartender that someone in a 2009 Hyundai Accent had just hit their car and traded paint before fleeing the scene. Let’s be honest, if our ’09 Hyundai had even looked at a Tesla, we’d be out of there too.

A woman being given a field sobriety test after a traffic stop was given the chance to repeat the line walk if she took her high heels off.  Spoiler: Nope.

Police noticed a man sip from an aluminum can on a downtown sidewalk and immediately pour it out upon seeing the officer. The can was later determined to be Steel Reserve Hard Pineapple, the worst flavor. We think the cops are jumping to conclusions that they had anything to do with the guy dumping the can.

Officers detained a West Ashley man after discovering more than $3,000 in cash, a jar of marijuana and a black handgun in his car. The man reportedly explained, “I like to smoke weed.”

At least one handgun was stolen from a downtown vehicle, and three handguns were stolen from a single upstairs bedroom in a West Ashley residence. 

An officer pulled over a West Ashley vehicle and approached the driver’s side window, but before he could explain the reason for the stop, the driver admitted to having a jar of weed in the back floorboard. Smooth.