Undermined Threat o’ the Week: During a shouting match with a man on his porch, an alleged perp shouted from the street, “I’m going to merc your ass!” Then he rode off on his bicycle in a huff.

Responding to a domestic dispute call, officers found the alleged offender and her fiancé upset in her apartment. The suspect stated that she and her fiancé were arguing over them not spending enough time together. After running the woman’s information, the police found that she had a warrant and arrested her. Score one for fiancés.

Team Player o’ the Week: Stopped for public drunkenness, a man was asked his age. He responded, “You have the numbers. You figure it out.”

A man was sighted for disorderly conduct in front of a downtown grocery store. When police approached, he knocked over an uncovered beer can. When asked if he knew it was illegal to drink outside, he said he was aware of the law, but “it is hot outside and I am having a bad day.” After a deep sigh and a knowing head-nod, officers patted him on the back and told him that happiness comes and goes, you just have to hang in there, and gave him a ride to a fro-yo shop for a pick-me-up treat. Wait, no. He was arrested.

Elitist Jerk o’ the Week: As part of a string of intimidating text messages, a man warned, “I’m associated with a class of people you don’t want to fuck with.” Ladies and gentlemen … the Aristocrats.

A man was stopped for suspicion of drunken driving. When asked to consent to a sobriety test he said, “Everyone has always told me not to do the test, but I’ve only had two drinks, so it’s 50/50.” He failed the test, impressively going 0-2 on lifelines.

The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.