Breakfast of Champions o’ the Week: During an 8 a.m. class, an underage student got caught pouring himself a premixed margarita from a bottle stored in his desk.

While opening a display case at a jewelry store so he could steal a few bracelets, a man put his bare hands all over the glass surface, leaving his fingerprints everywhere. Don’t they teach the basics in thief school anymore?

A man who owns two dogs was dismayed when a would-be burglar tried to break in his front door and the hounds failed to wake him and warn him.

When an apartment fire forced a family to live in a hotel for a while, they hired a cleaning service to fix the damage. Upon returning home, they learned that the cleaners had left the door unlocked and placed their belongings on the lawn on several occasions, and someone had made off with 80 of their DVDs, a $350 Tiffany lamp, several curtains and rugs, and $900 worth of hair weave.

Upon discovering that someone had stolen her children’s iPods and computers, a woman first called her husband to see if he wasn’t just punishing the kids for bad behavior. Twenty-first-century discipline, folks. This is what it looks like.

SAT Vocabulary Word o’ the Week: When a woman borrowed a man’s car and failed to return it, the man left a voicemail “instructing her to return the victim’s vehicle posthaste,” according to a police report.

A college student who had been doing some drinking had a hard time standing still when police officers asked him if he was OK. He was hanging onto a stop sign, and as they spoke, he swung in loops around the signpost while gazing at the sky.

A Charleston police officer stopped a man who was punching and kicking a car on East Bay Street and asked if he knew where he was. His response? “I’m in Walterboro, you Highway Patrol asshole. You’re the one who don’t know where you’re at.”

The Things They Shoplifted: 15 bags of ready-to-cook shrimp, six cans of crab claw meat, a gold ring and necklace, an 18-pack of beer, five bags of mulch, and two packages of prosciutto.

A man sitting at a bus stop tried to conceal his beer by drinking it from a Disney water bottle. Police asked if he had been drinking when they noticed him acting a little Goofy, but he told them they were Daffy.

The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.