Illustration by Steve Stegelin

The Blotter is taken from reports filed with Charleston Police Department between Dec. 2 and Dec. 9. No one described in this section has been found guilty, just unlucky.

BLOTTER O’ THE WEEK: A West Ashley man whose car was broken into found his top hat and sheet music stolen. Now all the thief needs is a cane and a monocle to complete his Mr. Peanut costume for the big piano concert.

While searching a suspect’s vehicle for illegal substances, officers asked the driver if they would find anything other than marijuana, to which, according to the report, he excitedly replied, “A little cocaine and weed.” Calm down, man, they aren’t buying.

Our favorite downtown lingerie store caught a break this week, as only $690 worth of perfume was shoplifted. This time, however, store employees said they got a good look at the thief and thought he was probably the same suspect from past thefts. Another red string on the board, dirtbag.

Officers pulled over a driver after watching him aggressively changing lanes with a tag registered to a different vehicle. Inside the car, they found marijuana and a handgun, but let the guy off with a warning. 
Spoiler alert: The driver was a white guy.

A downtown woman watched a guy on a bicycle ride up to her front porch and steal her Amazon package before riding away. Joke’s on him, the package only contained hard candy, ballpoint pens, Altoids, Band-Aids and a portable DVD player. Wait … what?

A two-page report detailing a theft from a woman’s downtown home involved a number of colorful folks, including a mother with an aggressively French surname and a crab lady (a lady who delivers crab). Interesting story, Officer Wes Anderson.

A West Ashley man said that he left his moped behind his place of business and came outside later to find it laying in the middle of the street, no longer able to start. These would-be thieves really need to start learning how to ride mopeds and bikes if they’re going to be successful in this city.

 A student in a West Ashley middle school reportedly stole a can of pepper spray from a classmate’s bag and sprayed it in the bathroom because he “was curious of how it looked.” For you other curious cats out there, we’ll just tell you now: It’s orange.

During a routine field sobriety test, a downtown woman suspected of driving under the influence was apparently doing great. That is, until she was instructed to count backwards to 53, and stopped short at 58. So close!

Police claimed a downtown high school student’s school-issued Chromebook for investigation after receiving reports of the student watching “pornographic material” on it. Someone clearly didn’t teach them about incognito mode.

One handgun was reported stolen from a truck parked in a West Ashley home’s driveway along with two loaded 15-round magazines. Another handgun was reported stolen from a vehicle parked in a downtown parking garage.