Blotter o’ the Week: A bar manager saw a female patron wearing tight black pants and a black jacket walk out of the bar and steal a 6-foot-tall Ric Flair poster from the door. The manager tried to stop her, but she ran away to a getaway vehicle that was driven by a bearded man wearing a black jacket. We’re guessing they yelled “Wooooo!” all the way home.
A police officer saw a man sitting on a wall drinking from a beer can. As the officer approached, the man pulled a Styrofoam cup out of a nearby garbage can, poured his drink out into it, and told the officer, “I poured it into the cup to be respectful.”
Cougar Quote o’ the Week: “Yes, I have a fake ID. It’s only to get into bars, and everyone else at College of Charleston has one.”
After getting kicked out of a nightclub for unruly behavior, a man put a few coins into a parking meter and told the bouncer that he could stand there for 30 minutes. When a police officer arrived, the man claimed he was an expert mathematician who worked for NASA.
High-Class Date o’ the Week: Police responded to a construction site where a man and a woman were stuck in the bucket of a disabled bucket truck that was raised 105 feet in the air. Firefighters had to use their ladders to get the pair down. Once they were safely on the ground, the man explained to police that he and his lady friend were out on a date when he decided to take her up in the bucket lift despite the fact that he knew the lift had some reliability issues.
After getting busted at a nightclub with a fake driver’s license, a man said to a police officer, “I’ve already had a ticket for a fake ID. Am I fucked?” The officer replied that he is not allowed to give legal advice.
Waking up one morning, a man realized that someone had entered his house through a window and moved his laptop computer from the living room to the kitchen counter. As far as he could tell, nothing had been stolen.
A teenager told police that he slapped another boy because someone had dared him to do it and because he thought the victim “would have been cool with the incident.”
A woman walked into an office, told an office employee that she had been kicked out of someone else’s apartment, and then fell asleep on a couch. When a police officer arrived to wake her, the woman cursed him out and called the office employee a bitch. She eventually left the office but was arrested on a disorderly conduct charge after she continued cursing loudly outside and then charged at the complainant.
Weird Autocorrect o’ the Week: A police officer wrote in an incident report that a suspect was placed under arrest for “Possession of Drug Profanations.”
A woman tried to shoplift $57 worth of steaks from a grocery store by hiding them in her purse. You’ve really gotta wagyu finger at a criminal like that.
Stolen From Homes This Week: A suitcase, a backpack, a pair of sandals, four pairs of sneakers, a pair of dress shoes, a dress shirt, two pairs of leggings, a pair of blue jeans, and some toiletries.
A man was caught driving with only a Mexican passport and a false international driver’s license as identification. He told police he had bought the fake ID from his insurance company in the Charleston area.
Police pulled a man over for reckless driving after a witness called saying he had driven into oncoming traffic, run off the roadway, and hit a few trees. He told the officer that he was “not familiar with the state’s driving laws.”
Police are searching for a vandal who spray painted a Banksy-style image of a girl raising her right hand. The officer recognized the Banksy piece, which is usually accompanied by an image of balloons floating away, but noted that there were no balloons this time.
Around midnight, two police officers tried to tell a woman to stop standing in the middle of traffic on a busy downtown street, and she responded by yelling a racial epithet at them and then stumbling backward into a friend who held her up. The officers arrested her on a disorderly conduct charge. While under arrest, the woman claimed that she was 18 years old and that she was born in 1999. She also insisted that she weighed 390 pounds, but the officer estimated she weighed about 130. Then she leaned out of the police cruiser, vomited, and fell, hitting her head on a sidewalk.
When asked why he had hit a fellow bar patron over the head with a beer bottle, a man told police, “It wasn’t a beer bottle, it was a can.”
When an officer caught a man with a baggie containing something white and powdery, the man piped up, “What? It’s only molly. Ain’t you ever see molly before?”
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