Blotter of the Week: A victim told police that someone broke into her bedroom and stole a hookah, a wireless router, a cable box, a paint canvas, a picture frame, cleaning supplies, some food, an iron, and a fish. Yes, you read that correctly. A fish.

A woman says she was visiting her ex-boyfriend at his apartment complex when the man’s current girlfriend pepper-sprayed her in the face and pulled out her hair extensions.

Beggar o’ the Week: According to witnesses, a man was approaching pedestrians on the sidewalk and asking if they could spare some change. Then, if people told him no, he would pull out a three-inch kitchen knife and ask them again. When cops frisked the man and found the knife in the crotch area of his pants, he explained, “Man got to protect himself out here on the street.”

When a police officer pulled over a driver who was weaving between lanes of traffic, the driver quickly explained, “I’m just so nervous because I have a lot going on.” And he really did have a lot to be nervous about, like some marijuana and an open can of hard lemonade in the car. He was also driving with a suspended license and no registration.

Stolen From Vehicles This Week: Two subwoofers, two amplifiers, a touchscreen stereo unit, the face from a stereo unit, an in-dash DVD player, a catalytic converter, a pair of sunglasses, a $26,000 gold Rolex, a $15,500 gold and platinum ring with a two-carat solitaire diamond, a $6,500 gold ring with rows of diamonds, a $5,000 gold ring with diamonds, a $500 pinky ring, a .357-caliber revolver, and a plastic sandwich baggie containing six bullets.

A man walked into a synagogue during an invitation-only bar mitzvah and refused to go away. When police arrived and asked him to leave, the man grabbed onto a handrail and “maintained that in France he was never asked to leave a synagogue,” according to an incident report. A lot of chutzpah this guy has.

A couple of guys walked out of a department store with a chainsaw and opened up their car trunk to put it inside. When a loss prevention officer confronted them about it, one of the men punched him in the face.

Police busted a man peeing in the trees behind the Ports Authority building while his wife waited in Waterfront Park. The man told police he was visiting from out of town and didn’t know where to find a bathroom. Bet he’d be pissed if he knew there was a public restroom just a few yards away.

Rocket Scientists o’ the Week: A man and a woman were caught smoking weed while sitting on a bench in Marion Square on a Saturday night.

After driving the wrong way down a one-way street and getting in a wreck with another vehicle, a man told police, “I haven’t had anything to drink … that much.”

A man who smelled like he’d been drinking leaned up against a building and threw up on the wall.

Txt Msg Dis o’ the Week: “You a bitch made mother fucker and the biggest piece of dog shit ever put on earth.”

After police searched a vehicle and found 4.6 grams of cocaine inside one of the door panels, the owner of the car said, “I had no idea what was in there.” Gotta hate surprise coke.

A man tried to steal nine videogames from a store by hiding them in the rear of his pants. He’s a shoplifter, no ifs, ands, or butts.

Somebody stole a nail gun from a school construction site. Not sure what the point of that was, but if the thief gets caught, he’s screwed.

Excuse o’ the Week: “I did scratch his face because I was upset. I am only human.”

A woman told police that after she disrobed in a room at a tanning salon, she noticed a tiny hole in one of the ceiling tiles and saw a hidden camera in the hole.

Hipster Shoplifter o’ the Week: A man tried to shoplift a cup of coffee, decongestant cough syrup, and a pint bottle of craft beer from a grocery store, but he was caught. It sure is hard to shoplift in skinny jeans.

The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.