NINJA THEFT O’ THE WEEK: A man fell asleep on his living room couch with his cell phone and laptop on the floor beside him and the front door to his house unlocked. When he awoke the phone and laptop were gone.

Worst Excuse O’ The Week: “I shouldn’t have to look left when making a right-hand turn.”

A taxi driver called the cops when a passenger racked up a fare of $18.50 and told the driver he only had $2 in his pocket at the end of the ride. Turns out there was no layaway payment option.

An employee of a restaurant was caught using company contacts to send out promotional e-mails for a competing restaurant. The Spam-Swapping Swindler strikes again.

Vampire Fail O’ The Week: Someone missed the neck and bit his victim on the forehead.

During a fight, a man took his wife’s smartphone and threw it in the toilet.

A convenience store clerk failed to notice a man walk out of the store carrying two cases of beer and a bottle of wine until he saw it later on surveillance footage. He also didn’t seem to notice when three women left the store shortly afterward carrying three bottles of wine and another case of beer.

A homeowner called police after a neighbor’s dog urinated on his doormat. We assume he then called the Dude to commiserate.

A man in a wheelchair took a dump on the sidewalk and rolled off. Guy’s got 99 problems, but a colostomy ain’t one.

The Grinch Strikes Early: Someone broke into a family’s home and stole the children’s Wii and Xbox 360.

Cops stopped a man they had seen drunkenly stumbling into a tree. They asked him if he knew where he was, and he said, “At the police station.” Actually, he was well on his way to the county detention center.

A man lost his marbles at a convenience store checkout counter when he realized the two cherry colas he wanted to buy were two for $3, not two for $2. He stormed out the door shouting, “Somebody is gonna fuck you up for cheating them!” and then circled the store in his car.

Second-Worst Excuse O’ The Week: “No, you might have seen me light the crack pipe for her and get it started, but I didn’t smoke any.”

The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.