Steve Stegelin

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Blotter o’ the week: A man was caught shoplifting four steaks (valued at $65) from a downtown grocery store. The offender was already on trespass notice for theft. Did anyone stop to think this is some Noid-style marketing campaign to show how far people will go for economically priced meat?

Police were alerted to a house downtown where a verbal argument ended in violence. The victim claims that, after he put his roommate’s bed sheets outside, he was kicked, punched, and almost bitten by his roommate. If he replaced that outside bed sheet with a weighted blanket, we think a lot of that anger would melt away.

An unknown individual entered a sports stadium on Daniel Island through an unlocked window. According to the report, the person stole a golf cart and used a tennis ball machine to launch sports balls around the complex. Probably one of those salty lacrosse players.

When an officer pulled over a man in West Ashley, he detected a strong odor of marijuana, according to a police report. Police asked the suspect how much he had, to which he handed over two joints. Honestly, many would look at this as a peace offering.

A handgun was stolen from a vehicle in West Ashley. There were no signs of forced entry, which isn’t surprising. Home security footage shows the thief rummaging through another car, a Toyota Prius, before fleeing the area. The Prius didn’t have a handgun in it, which also isn’t surprising.

Coils were stolen from a woman’s air-conditioning unit in her downtown home. She says that this has happened multiple times before and she wants an investigation into this cold case.

After being pulled over for suspicion of drunk driving in West Ashley, a man told police he was driving erratically because of “Coronavirus.” He was kidding. And also tipsy.

At least three parking meters were broken into last week, which is a much less scary trend than handguns being stolen from cars.

Speaking of which, a handgun was stolen from a West Ashley vehicle in the last week. According to the victim, the vehicle was locked, but she has had problems with her key fob in the past, leading to her trunk being open. The handgun had a full clip, but no bullet in the chamber, so we can find some silver linings.

A letter was sent to the CofC student body, falsely telling them they could receive $5,000 for participating in a trial to test a COVID-19 vaccine. It’s a good thing they caught this early. With the debt most of us have, there probably would have been takers even if the offer read, “Free tuition for a semester in exchange for webbed feet.”

On Clements Ferry Road, a motorcyclist was accused of angrily striking a vehicle’s side-view mirror. According to the victim, he told the other motorist to “go the speed limit.” The biker responded by hitting the mirror with “a body part.” The report doesn’t specify which body part he used, but if you imagine him hitting the mirror with his skull, it becomes incredibly badass.