Unusual weapon o’ the week: A birdcage with a live bird inside.

Weed Trick o’ the Week: A driver who was pulled over for playing extremely loud music around 1 a.m. was seen lighting a cigarette and blowing smoke out the car window very fast, which the reporting officer recognized as “a technique for offenders to try to conceal the smell of narcotics.” A drug-sniffing dog was not fooled, and it found 20 grams of marijuana in the car.

A man with a New Mexico ID card was found passed out on the sidewalk reeking of alcohol and with the front of his pants soaked in urine. Should’ve taken a left turn at Albuquerque.

Somebody shoplifted a 64-pack of crayons.

Cold Criminal o’ the Week: A shoplifter tried to steal nine packages of shrimp from a grocery store by stuffing them inside his shirt. Brrrrrr.

While doing the laundry, a woman discovered a pawn slip in a relative’s pants and found out he had stolen and pawned her Nintendo DS.

Somebody stole 17 plastic bags full of aluminum cans that a resident had been saving behind her house to recycle. She estimated the cans were worth $80, which goes to show you, one woman’s trash treasure is another person’s trash treasure.

A customer at an Asian restaurant ran up a tab of $74.19 and left without paying. He really sake’d it to them.

Stolen From Vehicles This Week: A flip phone, $20 worth of coins, a Police Benevolent Association card in a black vinyl case, a wallet, a stereo system, and a red tanning bag.

Police responded to a report of a man lying down in the teller line at a bank. When asked how much he had to drink that day, the man replied, “Everything.”

According to witnesses, a man stood outside a school playground and yelled at students, “Get off my park!” The school’s English teachers have a zero-tolerance policy for improper preposition usage.

A man tried to shoplift electronics from a store while wearing an orange fleece jacket. Captain Inconspicuous got busted after a loss prevention officer watched him stash three external hard drives in his cargo pants.

When asked if she was about to engage in prostitution with a truck driver, a woman nodded yes while saying, “There might be cameras, so no.”

Homemade Crack Pipe o’ the Week: A Mountain Dew can with holes punched in it.

Flim-Flam o’ the Week: A man walked into a convenience store and paid for a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup with a $1 bill. After the cashier gave him his change, he handed her five $20 bills and asked if she would trade him a $100 bill in return. When she gave him the $100 bill, he pulled out a $10 bill and said, “Hey, you gave me 10, not 100.” The cashier took the $10 and gave him another $100 bill, and the flim-flammer walked out $90 richer.

Upon getting caught with a baggie of weed, a man told police, “Man, I spent my last five bucks on that bag.” He did not earn the sympathy vote.

A man carried an overstuffed garbage bag out of a department store and managed to shoplift 25 polo shirts and 63 pairs of dress pants (total value: $3,199.37). Now he’s ready for that job interview.

Twenty-four baseballs and 20 bats went missing from a supply shed. The owner cried foul.

Police Report Quote o’ the Week: “When asked, the offender stated he was unsure as to how the machete got into his backpack.”