Blotter o’ the Week: A woman entered a fastfood restaurant and allegedly attempted to assault an employee after they had mistakenly placed mayonnaise on her chicken sandwich. Who knows what the woman would have done if they would have gotten her drink order wrong.

An intoxicated man was found passed out on the floor of a women’s restroom surrounded by a broken end table and a shattered vase. When the man awoke, he had no memory of destroying the furniture, but told police he would pay for the damages.

A man called police after his $310 bottle of moisturizing gel went missing from his hotel room.

Someone stole the checks from a woman’s birthday cards before she could retrieve them from her mailbox.

A woman received a call from a man claiming to be an agent from the IRS demanding to collect back taxes in the form of iTunes gift cards. The woman eventually realized that she was being duped, but only after purchasing $7,100 in gift cards for the man.

One slippery suspect attempted to steal a jar of Vaseline from a medical center, but was caught red-handed and well lubricated on his way from the office.

A grocery store crackdown netted two employees who were guilty of undercharging customers and giving free merchandise to their friends.

An unhappy couple were told to part ways for the evening after they got into an argument at a bus stop. The woman continued to shout obscenities at police before accusing officers of belonging to the Ku Klux Klan, according to an incident report.

Charleston experienced an old-fashioned art heist as a painting valued at $8,500 was stolen from a downtown gallery. One of the shop’s co-owners told police that a mysterious moustached man had recently entered the gallery and immediately began to ask questions about the work of art.

A man’s night-vision goggles were stolen from his vehicle late one evening. Ironically, the suspects were able to escape under the cover of darkness.

A shoplifter told police that the only reason he was found stealing four bottles of wine is because another officer made him pour out the drink he was enjoying earlier while sitting in a public park.

A man allegedly received an angry call from a coworker’s husband one day at work. The suspicious husband believes that his wife is having an affair with her coworker and in retribution plans to have intercourse with the other man’s wife, in what must be his own version of a cuckolds’ code.

An intoxicated woman decided to add some excitement to a nearby wedding by shouting obscenities at guests as they passed by. Luckily, the happy couple had already agreed to stay together through good times and bad.

A man called police after his jar containing approximately $70 worth of pennies went missing from his home. The coin culprit — or penny pilferer, if you prefer — was later spotted riding down the street with the jar in her hands.

A man stepped onto his porch one day to find a rifle lying there. He told police he was unsure of how the firearm made its way to his doorstep or to whom it belongs.

An underage drinker was unable to tell officers his name due to his continuous vomiting according to an incident report.

A clerk described a suspected shoplifter by telling police that he “looked like Screech from Saved by the Bell,” as if enough hasn’t been done to soil the good name of Dustin Diamond.

An attempted shoplifter failed to clean up his act after carring a full-size vacuum cleaner out of a store.

Two women got into a fist fight at a Chuck E. Cheese, that fortunately did not spill over into the ball pit, but may have ruined a birthday party of two.

When asked to balance on one leg as a part of a field sobriety test, an intoxicated driver told an officer that he “couldn’t do that on a Monday morning before going to work.”