Blotter of the Week: The management at a grocery store caught a man trying to shoplift a gallon of milk and a box of Frosted Flakes. Grrrreat job, buddy.

When an officer responded to a call about a noise violation around 3 a.m., he found a man and two women stumbling down the street and talking loudly. The man blurted out, “We’re trying to get this girl home. She’s drunk and far from her house.” The cop offered to give the woman a ride home and then told the other two to disperse, but the man shouted, “What’s America coming to when you can’t even talk to a fucking girl?” The officer arrested him on a charge of public disorderly conduct.

Somebody stole six iPad Mini cases with built-in keyboards from a store and then tried to sell them on Craigslist.

After a woman confronted a man who grabbed her butt at a gas station, she started riding away on her bicycle, and the man hit her rear bicycle tire with his car, causing her to fall on the ground.

Somebody stole $900 and a math textbook from an apartment. It’s always so nice to hear about a criminal trying to get an education.

When a cop spotted a man walking down the sidewalk with an open can of beer in his right hand, the man passed the can to his left hand and tried to hide it beside his hip. The cop was unimpressed by the sleight of hand.

Stolen From Vehicles This Week: Two credit cards, two debit cards, a .380-caliber pistol, a gun holster, a pair of sunglasses, a GPS unit, a radio, a $2,500 watch, 300 to 400 CDs, and three golf putters.

Insane Overreaction o’ the Week: A driver says that after a tow truck driver tailgated her for a while on Highway 61, they stopped at a red light and the truck driver got out, pounded on her hood, and said, “Get the fuck out, I want to fucking kill you and beat your ass.”

A month after a landlord forcibly evicted a tenant from his apartment, a maintenance man discovered the door to the vacated apartment was ajar. Stepping inside, he saw that someone had broken several windows, urinated all over the place, dumped a bunch of garbage in the bathtub, and left behind a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20.

Resourceful Bike Thief o’ the Week: Somebody stole a bicycle that was padlocked to a deck railing simply by detaching the railing from the base.

Somebody stole a leaf blower from an open garage.

Shoplifting Haul o’ the Week: After watching a man walk in and out of a dressing room several times, a store manager stopped the man and found out he had several shirts, a pair of shorts, a belt, and a pair of sandals tucked into the waistband of his pants, and he was also wearing two shirts from the store. Oh, and he had cocaine in his pockets.

At a traffic stop, cops found a half-empty cup labeled “Bud Light Lime Straw-ber-ita.” That’s one tasty open container violation.

When a police officer asked a man how much he had to drink that evening, the man asked, “When would you start the clock on this evening? 7 p.m.?” When the cop rephrased and asked how much the man had to drink throughout the day, the man replied, “That’s not the right question to ask.” Later, the man gave a “low estimate” of 13 beers.

Confession o’ the Week: Police officers responded to a report of a disabled vehicle blocking the entrance to an apartment complex and an intoxicated man standing in the roadway. When they arrived, the man said, “I am stronger than the two of you bitches combined,” and “You are going to have to taser me.” They didn’t have to taser him, but they did cuff him. After putting up a fight for a moment, the man said, “I apologize for what I did. I’m sorry for being drunk and an asshole.”

Police found 227.5 grams of marijuana inside a plastic grocery bag in the backseat of a car. That’s what you call ridin’ real dirty.

After getting pulled over in his car, a man grabbed something out of his pocket, crammed it in his mouth, and started chewing. He managed to swallow it, but the cop was able to search his pocket and find a bag containing cocaine. Later, a pee test confirmed that there was coke in the man’s bloodstream.