BLOTTER O’ THE WEEK: A Halloween reveler notified police that a ship’s wheel he’d hung on his belt had been stolen. He repeatedly told officers, “I am a pirate, and it’s driving me nuts.”

A homeowners association president called police to report that the “Yard of the Month” sign had been stolen from the winner’s front yard. Think about this story the next time you’re waiting for an officer after an accident or strong-arm robbery.

After explaining to officers that he was “drunk, public drunk,” a man had to be told repeatedly to “relax and not to pull his shirt over his head.”

Too Many Threats O’ The Week: Arrested for suspected DUI after falling off his moped, a man told officers, “I’m from old school North Charleston. I’m going to sue you for everything you got, you rookie punk. You better have good homeowner’s insurance. I’ve got like 30 cousins.”

While mowing his lawn, a man reported that his neighbor spent two hours out in the yard screaming “‘traitor, Nazi, fascist, spy’ as well as other things regarding the Constitution.” The two men didn’t know each other, but the suspect said he had a camera watching all of the victim’s “spy activities.” When officers sought to question the man, he told police that they’d have to speak to his attorney and they could not have “the tapes.” After police left, he allegedly went back to the victim’s yard and screamed, “Traitor, I won’t be intimidated.” We’ll assume these rants came during the commercial breaks of a Glenn Beck program.

Police found an unidentified man in his underwear walking around downtown pulling on various objects and saying, “Let me open the door.”

Pundit O’ The Week: “I can’t wait for Obama … I mean Osama bin Laden to come and blow your ass up.”

A man arrested for driving under the influence was on his way to jail when he asked the officer if he “could just sweep this under the rug and go to the Waffle House.”

Drunk O’ The Week: “Yeah, let’s go to jail, wooooo!”

In a fight with his daughter, a man called her a bitch. In response, she allegedly threw his computer and printer on the floor, saying, “I’m going to show you how a bitch really is.”

Stolen Items O’ The Week: Four GPS units and three iPods.

The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.