Blotter o’ the Week: An angry bald man was spotted outside of a downtown pizza place, angrily beating on the windows of the restaurant. Even after being handcuffed, the man refused to remove his hands from the window and continued making incoherent statements. According to an incident report, the man told police that his actions were all part of some great plan. A restaurant employee later told police that the man entered the business and kept repeating the word “menu.” When the employee offered the man a menu, the man slapped him on the face.

A burglar threw a rock “approximately the size of a football” through a cafe window. The burglar soon discovered that the cash register was empty, but did decide to help themselves to a $30 bottle of Grand Marnier that was sitting behind the bar.

A brand-new bride went out for drinks after her wedding only to realize the following morning that she had lost the $23,400 bracelet that she was wearing. According to an incident report, the bracelet was 18K yellow gold set with 123 diamonds. The report did not mention if the bracelet was the bride’s “something borrowed,” but its disappearance definitely left her blue.

Two chainsaws were stolen from the back of a truck the same day that two vacuum cleaners were stolen from a department store. If these two thieves meet up, there’s going to be a hell of a party.

An intoxicated woman refused to leave a bar at closing time, instead telling police that she would be calling the sheriff, congressmen, and her lawyers. Officers were finally able to handcuff the woman and lead her outside of the bar, where she continued to make “excited gesticulations” with her legs, according to an incident report. The woman also managed to urinate on the sidewalk before being taken to jail.

A $13,800 Rolex with Grateful Dead logos engraved on the wristband was stolen from a vehicle one evening. The stress of losing such a valuable item most likely left the victim with more than just a touch of gray.

An intoxicated man was seen stumbling down the middle of King Street after being denied entry to a bar. While en route to another bar, officers observed the man touch several strangers. Asked by police if he had any friends nearby who could take care of him for the evening, the man said “This guy” and attempted to put his arm around a passing stranger.

After noticing multiple fraudulent charges on his credit card account, a man received a mysterious envelope in the mail. The envelope was empty, but the word “truth” had been written on it three times, along with a phone number and instructions to call.

Several purses were discovered in the bushes between two homes. Inside, police found five “tampon flasks,” along with some teeth-whitening strips and a bottle of Advil. Clearly the owners of the purses were ready for a fun night on the town.

A shoplifter managed to stuff a large radio down his pants before attempting to exit a store. Security easily recognized the suspicious bulge in the man’s pants and were able to stop him at the door.

Thieves stole a dumpling cookbook from a vehicle downtown, which is a shame for anyone expecting a homemade dinner that night.

A man awoke to find his ex-girlfriend banging on his apartment door and spray painting his car. According to an incident report, messages written on the man’s car in green paint included “whore,” bitch,” “punk,” and “STD.” The man told police that he believes the vandalism was an act of revenge because his ex-girlfriend believed that he cheated on her while they were dating. Chances don’t look great for these two getting back together.

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