The Blotter is taken from reports filed with Charleston Police Department between Feb. 10 and Feb. 15. No one described in this section has been found guilty, just unlucky.

BLOTTER O’ THE WEEK: Police reported new details regarding an ongoing investigation into a “portal potty” being set on fire. We know they meant “Port-A-Potty,” but we can’t help but imagine a confused ritualist trying to open the door to another world through arson and portable toilets.

Officers asked a downtown woman who appeared to be intoxicated if she had had any alcohol that evening, to which she reportedly replied with an excited shout, “Yes!” Police thought that was enough evidence to charge her, and we feel like most would be inclined to agree.

Police confiscated a baggie of loose pink pills that a suspect advised he had a prescription for. The officers might have believed him, if he hadn’t also said he had a prescription for the weed they found in his pocket.

One man reportedly stole a number of various winter hats from a West Ashley department store. Look, man, we know a good chunk of the United States is on ice right now, but it was, pretty warm just last week.

 The same man appeared in four separate police reports last week, all for open container or public intoxication. One of the write-ups described him as having been asleep in a bush, still holding the can of Icehouse beer upright in his hand.

A handgun, an iPhone 8 and three catalytic converters were reported stolen from various vehicles throughout the Charleston area. We are excitedly waiting for the next auto-theft trend once the novelty of catalytic converters wears off.

While being escorted out of a downtown pharmacy by employees, a woman reportedly yelled, “I’ll slice you,” in an angry, but mostly unintelligible tone. According to reports, the woman had no weapon for said slicing, but did throw a gnarly haymaker at a cop afterward.

 We’ve had a few reports of drinks being stolen from convenience stores, but one man apparently skipped the middleman and went for the espresso machine, a $700, heavy steel piece of hardware, from a downtown kitchen supply store. Nice.

A West Ashley woman who told officers her car was stolen also said she was going through a divorce. She went on to say that she didn’t think that had anything to do with the theft, but just wanted to let officers know. She’s either being very thorough or she’s shooting her shot. Props either way.

A report of a man “playing with his genitals” in his car led to a rousing game of “Guess the Make and Model,” whereby officers scoured Google images for various cars until they found one that matched the witness’ description — a great game under normal conditions, complicated by a compelling distraction on the witness’ end.