Blotter o’ the Week: A man with a portrait of Hitler tattooed on his body was cited for drinking a beer in Marion Square one evening.

After he was busted for attempting to enter a bar using a fake ID, a young man ran from police before tripping and falling face-first on the sidewalk. It’s cases like this that remind us all that gravity is a good deterrent for underage drinking.

A man was walking down the street late one evening, enjoying a beer on his stroll. When approached by police and asked to empty the beer, the man replied “I’m not dumping it,” according to an incident report. While the man ultimately poured out his drink, the bold stand he took that evening will live on in the annals of public intoxication.

A man spotted tampering with a row of parking meters downtown was found to have a grand total of $5.80 in change in his pockets.

A drunk driver responded to an officer’s questions by first saying that her boyfriend had just broken up with her. While moving on from a relationship is difficult, South Carolina laws rarely hold exceptions for the brokenhearted.

A group of young men and women where enjoying the evening in the hot tub at an apartment complex when one of the men poured a bottle of handsoap into the water, causing it to overflow with bubbles.

When questioned by police, a driver sitting in a parked car was asked if there was marijuana in the vehicle, to which he replied, “Not anymore. I smoked it on the way here.”

A woman was visiting her friend for his birthday when his ex-wife arrived at his home. As the woman attempted to leave the apartment complex, the ex-wife stood in front of the woman’s car, blocking her escape. The woman said this was the second such incident because the ex-wife believes she and the man were having an affair. This is why birthdays are the worst.

Police responding to an alarm at a downtown restaurant late one evening found a man wearing a cook’s uniform stumbling around inside in a state of intoxication. Officers then discovered a glass pipe in the man’s pocket.

An officer responding to reports of someone “possibly touching themselves” in Marion Square arrived on scene and quickly advised a man that “he needed to put his penis away.” Seriously dude, no one wants to see that.

A greedy thief stole 18 bottles of beer from a downtown restaurant. While attempting to flee on his bike, the man also tried to steal an employee’s bike by pulling it alongside himself as he balanced the beer. When he realized that he was in over his head, the man dropped the second bike and rode off. The suspect eventually returned to the restaurant at a later date and told an employee that he wanted to take his bike because it “belonged to his niece.” The man was easily identified due to the fact that he was wearing the same clothes as he was during the initial heist.

A drone was stolen from an unlocked car.

Apartment security guards asked for a man to be placed on trespass notice due to his disrespectful treatment of building staff. When the man removed his license from his pocket to hand over to police, a small bag of marijuana fell from his pocket directly in front of the officer.

A woman called 911 multiple times in the same day to report her ex-husband’s location and claim that he was wanted by the police. An incident report points out that the man does not have any active warrants, so it was the ex-wife who ended up running into trouble with the law.

A carriage operator said two men in a car behind her began to shout obscenities, such as “Fuck your horse.” After pulling to the side of the roadway to allow for traffic to pass, the carriage operator said the two men then parked and one man laid down in the carriage’s path and began to “flail about.” In other word’s he made a horse’s ass of himself.