Illustration by Steve Stegelin

The Blotter is taken from reports filed with Charleston Police Department between Jan. 13 and Jan. 19. No one described in this section has been found guilty, just unlucky.

BLOTTER O’ THE WEEK: One man told officers that he shouldn’t have been driving because he had consumed “three Hennessey, two tequilas and the rest of the drinks were a blur.” He was understatedly described in the report as “pretty drunk.”

A West Ashley woman told officers she left her car, which had been broken into, unlocked because her key fob was faulty and caused the alarm to go off whenever she used the key in the ignition. We aren’t sure how leaving the car unlocked solves that problem, but we also don’t know enough to offer a better solution.

A downtown man reported his moped had been stolen and showed officers that he was still in possession of the sole key to the vehicle, which means the thief probably simply picked it up and walked away. Look, ma! No key!

In a continuation of last week’s building material theft, more shingles, some lumber and a yellow drywall cart have gone missing from various area construction sites, bringing this thief ever closer to their own privately pilfered home.

A downtown man reported that his wife’s purse was stolen from his car. The purse contained a number of items, including an iPhone 7, which to be fair, is probably due for a replacement anyway. So, we think the words you’re looking for are “thank you.”

Police noted that after pulling a woman over, she displayed a number of signs of extreme nervousness and anxiety. They then found four Xanax pills in her wallet and confiscated them. Maybe you should have just let her keep a couple of those.

A downtown grocery store reported a shoplifting, and the suspect matched the description of a man who had recently been struck by a car on Meeting Street. The description: light-up shoes and walking with a limp.

An officer responded to a party at a downtown home and charged the homeowner for the loud noise. Y’all are going to have to start inviting CPD to these shindigs, they’re starting to get upset about being left out all the time.

Police found a random, unattended blue box outside in a James Island neighborhood and found it to contain various drug paraphernalia and what they presumed to be methamphetamine. Back in our day, we would just ride bikes because meth was really hard to get.

Police stopped a car full of minors smoking weed and found a total of about 46 grams of loose marijuana throughout the vehicle and a digital scale. The police called their parents. Tattletales.

A student at a West Ashley high school was reported for smelling of marijuana. Honestly, can you blame the student here? Have you seen what schools are dealing with nowadays?