Blotter o’ the Week: A young woman clad in yoga pants let her pug run free inside of an office supply store. When another customer asked her to restrain the pup, the woman began screaming and slapped the customer in the face.

An officer on the lookout for an intoxicated pizza delivery driver found the man exiting a residence after dropping off a few pies. According to an incident report, the driver smelled of a “fruity alcoholic beverage” and his eyes were bloodshot. It turns out the pizza wasn’t the only thing that was baked. When questioned by the officer, the driver said, “Weed makes me stupid, but I hate weed. These college kids didn’t have enough for the pizza, so they let me hit the bong once.”

Hospital staff called police to report a patient who made threatening comments to a woman over the phone. According to a police report, the patient was contacted about a scheduled appointment and told the woman, “I’m a ticking time bomb and by Saturday night anything could happen from high up.” Hospital staff said that this patient has a habit of refusing to leave the building after his appointments.

The manager of a sporting goods store called police after surveillance footage showed a man repeatedly enter the store, grab a golf club, and leave without paying. According to the footage, the suspect is only 11 clubs away from a full set.

An officer stopped two underage men who were spotted walking down the street with a 12-pack of beer and open bottle of liquor. One suspect offered up his ID to prove he was 21, but he was unable to tell the officer the last name and date of birth listed on the license.

After driving his moped into the back of another vehicle, an intoxicated man was asked to conduct a series of field sobriety tests. When asked to stand on one foot, the man told the officer, “I need you to stop this” and “Can you just be a human being?”

While responding to an automobile collision, an officer found a woman screaming at two individuals seated in a nearby car. When approached by the officer, the screaming woman told the passenger, “How about you show the officer the heroin in your pocketbook.” After the belligerent woman was taken into custody, a witness told the officer that he had seen the two individuals in the car hide a bag underneath another vehicle. The officer found the bag, which contained two spoons with burn residue on them, several pill bottles, and a used syringe.

During a traffic stop, an officer noticed one of the passengers behaving nervously. When questioned, the skittish suspect said he had concealed illegal narcotics in his buttocks. He told the officer he would remove the drugs, but he did not want his friends to see.

Police were called to a hospital by a patient who said her nurse had entered her room and threatened her life. The patient said the nurse had become angry with her and said, “I’m going to mess with your medication.” The officer questioned hospital staff who said that this patient had made similar complaints at other hospitals.

Officers were called after one man attempted to bring alcohol into the DMV.

While a man was speaking with an employee at a convenience store, a $60 bottle of cologne fell from his shorts. The store’s surveillance footage showed the man pick the lock to the counter where the cologne is kept and hide the bottle in his pants.

An officer watched as a man stepped into the street and held out his hand to stop traffic. After the vehicles began to honk at the suspect, he offered up his middle finger in response. When the officer asked the man to step back onto the curb, he replied, “Fuck you,” and he continued to walk in the middle of the road.

Two intoxicated men left their car in a parking lot after an officer told them to find another ride home. After moving his vehicle across the street, the officer watched as the two men sneaked back to their car. When asked by another driver if they needed a ride, the men replied, “We don’t need you. The police is gone.”

After a night out on the town, a man told officers his truck had been stolen. He said he first noticed the vehicle was missing around 10:30 p.m., but he waited until 2:30 a.m. to call police. When asked why he took his time to report the missing vehicle, the man replied, “We were out having a good time.” The officer noted in the report that the man was intoxicated and changed his story numerous times.

Late one night, an officer found a man asleep in his vehicle parked downtown. When asked if he had been drinking, the man said, “Well yeah, I mean I knew I was too drunk to drive a little while ago, so I thought I would just sit here and wait it out until I was good to drive. I’ve got a flight in a bit and I need to return this car.” After refusing to take a cab to his hotel, the man told the officer that he “was in law enforcement.” After further questioning, the man admitted that he had only taken a few criminal justice classes in college.

Police were called to a gas station regarding reports of an inebriated man who was “sleeping while standing up.” Officers found the man unconscious and propped up against the side of his car.

A driver was asked to pick up his trash after a nearby officer noticed him tossing garbage out of his car. A quick background check revealed that the man had a warrant for past offenses, and he was taken into custody.