Blotter o’ the Week: Employees at a sunglasses store say they caught a man trying to shoplift shades. He tried to punch one of the employees and run out the door. Safe to say he’s ray-banned for life.

A man at a bar reportedly pushed two police officers and then took off running down the street. One of the cops caught up and tasered the man when he refused to stop. Later in the backseat of a police car, the man said, “Officer, I’m going to be honest with you, I did push that old policeman in the bar, and I did run from you, but I didn’t mean to.” As it turns out, good intentions will only get you so far — especially when you’re gettin’ tased.

When a police officer tried to pull a vehicle over for failing to use a turn signal, the driver threw 42 sandwich baggies of cocaine out the window, sped away, and then abandoned the vehicle. Really gives a new meaning to “slinging coke.”

Apology o’ the Week: An officer was on neighborhood patrol when he made eye contact with a man who suddenly shouted, “Oh shit,” and jumped into a van. When the cop walked up to the van and smelled weed, the man told him, “My bad, [Officer], I shouldn’t have been smoking. I was just smoking a blunt before I went to work.”

Police arrested a man on a disorderly conduct charge for standing in front of a bar and yelling “Fuck you!” at a bar employee’s face.

Clean Break o’ the Week: Somebody managed to shoplift $130 worth of body wash from a drug store.

Weird Vandalism o’ the Week: Somebody scratched the words “ARE BIRDS” into the hood of a vehicle. We’d like to know how they intended to finish that thought. Maybe “Are birds going to poop on this car? Yes they are.” Or perhaps “Stop poaching rare birds.” The world may never know.

A man told police he was walking from work to some friends’ house at 2 a.m. when four or five people in a sedan pulled up and started yelling at him. The man says he made a remark back to them, kept walking, and then realized the car was coming toward him at 5 or 8 mph. He says he jumped and rolled off the hood of the vehicle to avoid injury and ran toward his friends’ house, but when he got to the door, it was locked. At this point, he says the attackers got out of their car, pushed him to the ground, and beat him until he was unconscious.

Three women whom a witness described, respectively, as “curvy,” “chunky or heavyset,” and possessing a “pot belly” are accused of stealing 15 pairs of briefs, 30 thongs, and five pairs of cheeky panties from a lingerie store.

Somebody stole the tailgate off of a pickup truck, including the back-up camera that was attached to it.

Non-Sequitur o’ the Week: A man who was being arrested on a public intoxication charge told police, “I didn’t do nothin’! I own my own business!”

A homeless man was arrested for shoplifting two packages of steaks. When police caught up with him, he said, “I’m living on the streets. I’m not a criminal. I’ve never done this before, but I was hungry … I was going to cook those steaks under the bridge on a fire.”

A concert venue accused a man of selling counterfeit wristbands for their events. The accused man’s girlfriend then accused the concert venue of racial discrimination, attempted assault by bouncers, and harassment of her and her boyfriend.

While standing in front of a basketball court where children were playing, a man yelled at officers and referred to them using both the N-word and the phrase “stupid crackers.”

While responding to a report of a fight in an apartment complex, an officer overheard a woman say, “I had weed in my bra. I was hoping it wasn’t going to pop out in front of the officers.” The cop asked her to hand over the weed, and she did.

Police caught a man peeing in a corner at the top level of a parking garage. The parking garage had a public restroom on the ground floor.

Late-Night Quote o’ the Week: A man who was stumbling around on the sidewalk asked an officer why he was being stopped. “Because you are drunk,” the cop replied. “Well, yeah, but so is everyone else,” the man said.

While he was being arrested on a DUI charge after allegedly hitting another car in a parking lot, a man told a police officer several times, “I got you, amigo.” He later added, “This is a defining moment of my life.” It probably was.