Blotter o’ the Week: A man in his underwear tried to rip the rear view mirror off a car parked outside a West Ashley hotel with his bare hands.

You know your night’s not going well if you find yourself telling an officer that you had “like two to three glasses” of Merlot that night.

Someone stole a $2,000 Stella McCartney purse containing a Prada pocketbook, a silver iPhone X, Dior sunglasses, and diamond stud earrings from a tourist in the VIP section of a downtown club. And we don’t feel bad about it.

A man found smoking a joint on a bench at Waterfront Park assured an officer that he was just on his way to pick up his kids from the airport.

$250 worth of crab legs in a West Ashley grocery store made a run for it with the help of four legs worth of two hungry shoplifters.

A downtown woman called the cops saying that her grandson was “not acting right and needs to go to the hospital.” When officers arrived, they found him standing in a corner of the kitchen with his fists clenched firmly at his side and his eyes darting around the room. His stepdad thought he was just high, and his aunt said that he sometimes uses synthetic marijuana. When an EMS approached the young man to take him to the hospital, he punched the technician in the face.

A Johns Island man flagged an officer down after his brother took a prescription drug for opioid addiction, smoked a blunt, snorted cocaine, and drank alcohol all within the same time frame. Once in an ambulance, the man panicked and tried to leave. He was cuffed after he began “thrashing around in a violent manner.”

A guy shoved several candy bars, a bag of chips, and a whole jar of salsa down his pants at a downtown drug store.

A West Ashley man’s ex-wife occasionally goes into his house, steals his commemorative coins valued at approximately $2,600, and pawns them.

A woman left her car for three hours, during which time someone stole two purses, a wallet, and $110 in cash, in case you were wondering whether you should lock your door while you run errands.

Officers searched a driver for drugs and found a blue ecstasy pill molded into the shape of Trump’s head with “TRUMP” written on the back, though if the relentless coverage of white supremacy in America has taught us anything, it’s that the pill should be red.

A man was reported to be causing a disturbance, making general threats, and saying “someone is going to die tonight” on the street. Also known as an acceptable reaction to being told Chipotle is out of guac.