Steve Stegelin

Blotter o' the week: While a man was stopped at a red light, an unknown woman approached his vehicle, jumped belly-first onto the hood, and grabbed his windshield wipers, breaking off the driver side one. The woman ran away before the driver could get out and yell at her, but she left her phone and wallet behind.

On Christmas Eve, a police report noted that a Daniel Island man received a text from his daughter saying "mom's acting crazy, again," which is the family code for "mom's been drinking." The woman assaulted the husband soon after, police say. Thankfully, there were no bruises and EMS was not requested — it's a Christmas miracle.

"A gaggle of subjects" were observed loitering outside of a downtown church daycare. One offender was smoking, one offender was sleeping, and one was holding a cup of urine. According to police, he "had to be reminded to take his cup of urine with him." Going out on a limb here, but he was probably trying to leave it because it's a cup of pee.

Roughly $2,699.93 worth of Ancestry DNA kits (17 in total) were shoplifted from a downtown convenience store by a white male. Apparently, they needed to find out 17 different times that they're 98 percent English, 1.9 percent French, and 0.1 percent Polish.

At a downtown bar last week, a dish full of buffalo dip was thrown. One man was struck in the back of the head and several patrons were splattered with dip. The man that threw the dish was arrested and charged with assault and battery third degree because wing sauce was never meant to be weaponized.

A man entered a downtown hotel during the week of Christmas and damaged a piece of "gingerbread artwork." We're assuming the offender was either a harsh food critic, a rude art critic, or just hungry.

At a Daniel Island hotel on the week of New Year's Day, a woman attempted to convince police to let her go by referencing the Hilton family, the president, a bunch of body bags, and her psychiatrist. The therapist was contacted and an involuntary committal order was quickly signed by a judge. We can't think of a better way to end the 2010s than a rant about politicians, the rich, and your psychiatrist.

In a West Ashley parking lot, a man informed officers that he "does not answer questions," when they asked if there was marijuana in his vehicle. Of course he doesn't answer questions; he's a rebel that might have weed in his car.

A juvenile was shot in the arm downtown last week during an aggravated assault with a firearm.

On the peninsula, a man's revolver was stolen from his vehicle. He did not know the serial number and the gun was fully loaded. He didn't lock the car, but the gun was bought from a licensed dealer, so everything's on the up and up.

A West Ashley officer noticed a woman heating up a liquid in a measuring cup in her car. She was pretty upfront, telling the cops that it was heroin. Upon a search, they found two cartons of cigarettes with a white powder in them. The offender told police that neither were hers, and that one probably belonged to her mother and one probably belonged to her daughter. Holidays and families, am I right?

A young man, described as "19-20 years old," ran out of a West Ashley convenience store with two packs of JUULs. This incident occurred just two days after the age to purchase nicotine was raised, so he must have been going through withdrawals.