Blotter o’ the Week: Somebody broke into a church gymnasium, stole a bunch of snacks and soft drinks, and sprayed a fire extinguisher all over the inside of the concession stand. That’s probably not what Jesus would do.

When police arrived at the scene of a car accident, they found a man sitting in the passenger seat with blood on his face and a distinct booze smell about him. The man said someone else had been driving but that he wasn’t a narc, so he wouldn’t say who. A witness, however, said she had seen the man lying across the front seats with his feet under the steering wheel — until the cops arrived.

A man started doing some work on his BMW one afternoon when he realized there was a bullet lodged in the driver’s side door. He did not recall hearing any gunshots, and he told police that he “tries to keep to himself,” according to an incident report.

A man on a dirt bike decided to lead police on a high-speed chase after they tried to pull him over for riding at night without headlights. Unfortunately for his stunt-driving career, he slipped on some wet pavement after peeling out of a school parking lot and ended up lying on the ground with a case of road rash. He was taken to a hospital and charged with reckless driving, driving an uninsured motor vehicle, driving a motorcycle without lights on, and failure to pay property taxes.

Shoplifting Haul o’ the Week: $291 worth of clothing and books.

A man was arrested on a charge of public intoxication after a bar manager threw him out for swinging his arms around and bumping into people. At the jail, the only money he had to turn over was a $20 bill with blood on it, which the jail refused to take and placed in police evidence storage for safekeeping.

A man got in a fight with several bouncers outside a club, pushed one of them to the ground and spat on him, and then fled the scene. He might have made a clean getaway if he hadn’t left his ID card behind.

Nightlife Quote o’ the Week: “There are shootings going on on America Street and you have to mess with the drunk guy?”

While on a harbor cruise, a woman pulled out an e-cigarette and started puffing on it until a man “aggressively jabbed her in the shoulder,” according to the account she told police. The man allegedly told the woman she wasn’t allowed to smoke on the boat, prompting her to explain that she was “vaporizing,” not smoking.

While stealing tools from a man’s garage, a thief also scratched the homeowner’s Porsche Carrera. That’s a double man-foul for the crook.

Seussian Rant o’ the Week: A police officer found a man sleeping in his Prius on a residential street. It took the officer five minutes of knocking on the window and shining a flashlight inside to wake the man up. After he came to, the man screamed, “I am scared of this neighborhood! I do not want to be here! I do not do drugs! I do not want to be in the ghetto!”

A man got into a car accident in a parking lot around 5:30 p.m. When police looked in his vehicle, they found 10 mini-bottles of liquor. Noticing that the man was swaying on his feet, an officer asked the man if he had been drinking, and he replied, “Yes, one mini-bottle a few hours ago.” Those things sure do pack a punch.

Stolen From Vehicles This Week: An amplifier, a subwoofer, a purse, $20 in cash, a debit card, a credit card, two iPods, a GPS unit, a black necktie, and an apron.

Police caught a man peeing on bank property late at night. Well, that’s one way to stick it to the man.

A man was caught on King Street with an open bottle of pale ale. Does that make it an imperial IPA?

When asked if he had any narcotics in his vehicle, a man told police that he had “weed” in the center console and a “bomb” in his right pocket. Actually, according to police, the thing in his pocket was “a multicolored drug paraphernalia.” Is “bomb” slang for something now?

Somebody used a woman’s credit card number to pay for $172 worth of cell phone bills, $435 worth of orders from an athletic equipment company, a $270 payment at a rental store, $151 worth of purchases at a Kids’ Footlocker, and $255.63 worth of Edible Arrangements.