Blotter o’ the Week: An intoxicated man attempted to dial an imaginary phone to call for help after police discovered him lying in the road. As anyone who uses an imaginary phone knows, reception is terrible, but the monthly bill is incredibly low.

Police located a suspected drunk driver as he emerged from a row of bushes next to his truck, which was parked at the side of the roadway. The man initially said he pulled over to take a bathroom break before heading back to North Charleston, but eventually told an officer, “Yeah, I’ve been drinking. I’m not going out driving.” The man later added, as he was handcuffed and placed into the back of a police car, “If I was more flexible, I would have three wives.” Hopefully, one of the man’s hypothetical sister-wives can post his bail.

After receiving a series of harassing text messages, a man left his office to find that his truck had been slathered in a mixture of lotion and baby powder.

A shoplifter stuffed five packs of frozen ribeyes in his pants in order to make it out of a grocery store. Store security now has beef with the suspected shoplifter, but maybe he was simply trying to cool his loins on a hot summer day?

One cool dude decided to impress everyone within earshot by loudly revving his motorcycle while stopped at an intersection. This display of outright awesomeness managed to attract the attention of a nearby officer, who soon discovered that the man was wanted by police in Georgia. Also, it turns out that the motorcycle that the man was so proud to show off actually belonged to his boss.

A woman is suspected of calling in a bomb threat to a downtown restaurant after complaining that her sandwich had not been cut into four pieces as she requested. Who knows what the woman would have done if they had given her Diet Coke instead of regular.

A budding romance came to an abrupt end after a man brought a woman he had just met back to his hotel room for the evening. While the man was washing off in the shower, he said he heard a door slam. He emerged from the bathroom to find the woman missing along with his wallet. This is the modern-day equivalent of playing hard to get.

A shirtless man covered in blood was found walking his dog along the roadside late one evening. According to witnesses, the intoxicated man had cut himself while attempting to climb a fence at a boat dealership during his late-night stroll.

A man was kicked out of a bar due to his inappropriate behavior toward two ladies. Prepared to show everyone that he was a true gentleman, the man walked around the bar and punched a glass door, causing it to shatter. The man was soon chased down by a bouncer and returned to the bar to await police.

An intoxicated man was taken into custody after refusing a ride home and attempting to enter an officer’s patrol car while the two were speaking. Ensuring the officer that he could take care of patrolling the area on his own, the man told police, “It’s OK. You can go now” as he repeatedly pulled on the squad car’s door handle.

Approximately 25 silver coins valued at $5,000 were stolen from a car.

A feud between two neighbors started after one woman accused the lady next door of copying her Christmas decorations. The alleged Christmas copycat told police that every time her neighbor sees her, she offers a bottle of water and shouts, “You need to take your medicine.” On the day she called police, the woman said she was walking with a friend and the neighbor repeatedly yelled “Look at the twins going walking,” as she slowly trailed them in her car.

Stay cool. Support City Paper.

City Paper has been bringing the best news, food, arts, music and event coverage to the Holy City since 1997. Support our continued efforts to highlight the best of Charleston with a one-time donation or become a member of the City Paper Club.