Two reporters approached the police headquarters lobby last Wednesday. Finding it locked, they were greeted by a begloved officer who handed them a clipboard holding a stack of the week’s police reports. Resigned to their fate, they sat on a soggy picnic table outside to bring you the following Blotter.

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Blotter o’ the week: A man was observed walking down Savannah Highway, naked, covered in cooking oil, apparently suffering a breakdown. When police arrived, the man began shouting and requesting help “from otherworldly entities.” COVID-19 anxiety is hitting hard.

Two Louis Vuitton purses, one Gucci purse, and 13 Burberry scarves were stolen from the back seat of a 2018 Mercedes which was parked on the upper levels of a downtown parking garage. With that expensive of taste, you would think the owner would have kept the doors locked.

When officers attempted to pull over a car for changing lanes without signaling, the car darted into oncoming traffic and tried to outrun officers. When they finally caught up to the car and stopped him, they discovered only 1 gram of marijuana in the vehicle and no other contraband. Come on guys, it was probably his last bit, and under social distancing rules, he won’t be able to meet with his dealer for a while.

During a traffic stop, a driver told the officer that he had less than an ounce of marijuana in the car, which doesn’t sound like a lot. He then gave the officer several glass pipes packed with marijuana and a black bag which contained several other bags of marijuana … and a vape pen containing THC oil.

While dealing with a minor car accident in a parking lot, responding officer noticed one of the vehicles smelled strongly of marijuana. The driver admitted he kept a small amount in the closed compartment protecting the car’s gas cap. Was he so worried about people breaking into his car and taking his weed that he didn’t just keep it in the glovebox like everyone else?

While prepping a Daniel Island golf course for its morning “t-times,” police wrote, the director found a Diesel UTV tipped over on its side and nearly $1,000 worth of damage to the turf. Apparently, someone had driven the vehicle out onto the grounds, did a bunch of donuts and flipped the cart. Dope.

A white moped was stolen from a busy downtown street by an unknown party. The victim says the vehicle had three necklaces and a .40 caliber handgun inside of its storage compartment. The moped was recovered shortly after it was reported stolen, but the items inside were not. If you had the choice between three necklaces and a handgun or a moped, you would choose the jewelry and the gun too.

An empty gun case was stolen from a car downtown. The rear driver’s side window had been smashed and the center console and glove box had been rummaged through. With the rate guns are stolen in police reports, we can only assume the gun case was empty because the firearm had already been taken by another thief.

An officer was sitting in a downtown gas station parking lot when an individual with superficial cuts on their wrist approached him. The victim advised he is a Satanist, and he cut his wrists to drink the blood “in order to ward off demons.” If those demons could bring band-aids and peroxide, they might be useful.