The Blotter is taken from reports filed with Charleston Police Department between Aug. 4 and August 10. No one described in this section has been found guilty, just unlucky.

Blotter o’ the week: A man in a lime green shirt attempted to steal a variety of seafood and other goods from a grocery store with a value that totaled $130.73. Looking at the list of items, including a few snow crabs, bratwurst and a seafood medley, they should have let him go and just asked for an invite to the party.

One woman punched another during a squabble downtown. A box cutter was reportedly brought to the scene, but the aggressor denied this. According to the victim, the fight started over “dumb girl stuff” and “drama.” Problems like this are usually resolved with gossip and poor social media choices.

In Marion Square, a man pulled “down a large section of tree” worth $300, according to a complainant. When confronted, the offender shouted, “I am helping you mother fuckers with the trees.” He could be giving one of the best resumes for a landscaping job ever seen. Give this man some work.

One firearm was stolen from a West Ashley vehicle, and another was stolen from a car on Kiawah. Interestingly, the firearms were the same make and model. Coincidence?

An unknown man reportedly stole 15 pairs of socks and five pairs of underwear from a local department store. We know essentials are hard to come by during the pandemic, but come on, man, do you really want to be known as an underwear thief?

Coming soon to Netflix: A bad batch of heroin turns one local man into a narco-crusader. Police arrived to find a man passed out in his living room. After coming to, he reportedly told police that “this new batch” is “going to kill people” and it “needs to be off the streets.” Saving the world, one batch of heroin at a time.

A woman reportedly stole seven packages of Tide pods from a local pharmacy. Someone needs to get ahold of her quickly and explain that the challenge ended years ago, she doesn’t have to do this.

Approximately $10,000 worth of watches, sneakers, clothing and gaming tablets were stolen from a car parked in a West Ashley superstore parking lot. Note to self: Don’t put your eclectic collection of possessions in a black suitcase.

A man detained by officers claimed his concealed weapons permit never came in the mail when officers found two revolvers under his car seat. In a stunning twist of fate, SLED confirmed the man did indeed have an active permit, so they only charged him for the ecstasy pills that started this whole debacle.

New developments in the high-risk world of pressure-washer shoplifting: Last month’s pressure-washer shoplifter turned out to have been a double offender, after he reportedly returned to the scene of the crime with an accomplice and made off with a second, more expensive model.