Blotter o’ the Week: A shoplifter tried to pull the wool over the eyes of one security guard by allegedly attempting to steal a stuffed sheep from a department store. Before the woman could go on the lam, she was quickly corralled by staff and shepherded back into the building to await police.

A loaded pistol was found lying on a chair in a downtown bar one evening. Approximately one hour later, a woman called police to report that her gun was missing from her purse. She told officers that she had left her belongings in her seat at the bar while she went to the bathroom and realized her gun was missing after leaving the club. So a quick reminder: Guns are only an effective form of self-defense if you manage not to misplace them during a night out.

An officer spotted a man urinating in a public park one evening. Seated in the bed of the man’s pick-up truck was his girlfriend who told the officer that they were having a “cheap date night” out on the pier. Unfortunately, nature called, and the boyfriend’s plein air bathroom break couldn’t wait.

Two shoplifters entered a department store and pocketed several Fitbits before walking out — knowing exactly how many calories they had burned during their theft.

A man allegedly entered a grocery store and filled a shopping cart with eight cases of beer before exiting the store without the cart. The suspect returned one hour later and reclaimed his shopping cart of beer and pushed it out of the store without paying.

Responding to a disturbance, an officer arrived on scene and was met by a young man who shouted, “I did it. I just lost my mind and tore it up.” When questioned further, the man told the officer that he had thrown a brick through the front windshield of his girlfriend’s vehicle after the two had an argument, according to an incident report. The girlfriend told the officer that after their couple’s spat, her boyfriend told her to call 911, stating, “because I’m about to destroy your car,” before throwing the brick.

While being questioned for trespassing, a man told an officer that he needed to urinate in the cup he was holding. After the officer told the man he would have to wait until they arrived at police headquarters or jail, the suspect then recommended that the officer should turn around. After the suspect was told once again that he should not urinate in public, the man decided to just let it flow on the sidewalk.

An officer spotted a man enjoying a cold one while hanging out in a public park one afternoon. When the officer approached him, the suspect allegedly said, “I want to go to jail. I’ve been waiting on one of you to come by.” The man then pointed to his beer and added, “That’s why it’s out, and I am not hiding it.”

After falling from a dock, an intoxicated man was found approximately one nautical mile from where he entered that water, according to an incident report. A witness told officers that the man had been drinking all day. He added that the sloshed castaway was in search of a bathroom before falling in the sea.

After being involved in an automobile accident, a man who appeared to be intoxicated told officers that he routinely drinks beer on his way home from work. In the floorboard of the impatient inebriate’s vehicle, police found three empty 12-packs and numerous empty beer cans.

An intoxicated man allegedly resisted arrest after he was witnessed falling from his moped. During the arrest, the man’s pants fell down to his ankles, exposing his buttocks and genitals, according to an incident report.

Two intoxicated men were shouting at passersby while sitting outside the aquarium one afternoon, according to an incident report. They later told an officer that they were students from Ohio State University headed to Florida on spring break, and apparently stopped off in Charleston to berate those interested in marine life.

A brawling boozer was turned over to police one evening after being kicked out of a night club. The man continued to struggle and pull away from officers as he was being taken to their patrol car, which led an officer to include this coy turn of phrase in an incident report: “Once we reached a soft, sandy area, [the suspect] was escorted to the ground.”

An officer spotted a woman staggering down the street one evening and stopped to check on her. The woman then sat down on the ground and allegedly began to dial 911. She was unable to explain to the officer why she was calling 911, but the woman did remember that she had consumed about five drinks that evening, according to an incident report.