Illustration by Stegelin

The Blotter is taken from reports filed with Charleston Police Department between Nov. 5 and Nov. 9. No one described in this section has been found guilty, just unlucky.

BLOTTER O’ THE WEEK: A downtown woman told officers that her car was broken into, and the only thing that was stolen was a bag full of slime used for “classroom purposes.” We aren’t sure what’s weirder: slime school, or slime stealing. 

Police found a glass jar with just under 5 grams of marijuana and a few yellow pills inside left on a soccer field at a local park. We are just happy to see people making healthy choices. Goals, not bowls.

A car bearing a sticker reading, “Cheeto the cat has a Posse,” was stolen while the owner was grabbing a beer downtown. Whoever stole it better watch out for Cheeto’s people.

Police were called after a man refused to leave the porch of a downtown home, saying he “would only leave by force.” The guy must be a physicist because gravity is what ended up forcing him from the porch after he fell. He wasn’t wrong.

Police received a report that someone broke a sliding wood door, broke several windows and punched holes in the drywall of an unfinished Daniel Island home. The report came in a few days after the damage ($15,000 worth) was found because the person filing it “didn’t want to ruin anybody’s weekend.”

Officers approached two people sitting downtown sipping from cans of Busch Light. When they noticed the police, one of the two hid their can behind their body and the other followed, hiding his can behind his buddy as well. Way to take one for the team, guy.

At least four handguns were stolen from vehicles parked downtown, and another was stolen from a West Ashley home.

Officers found about 35 grams of marijuana, several glass containers of THC dab oil, THC gummy worms, a 750 milligram edible Rice Krispies treat, two cannabis oil cartridges and a jar with even more weed in the glovebox of a car after the driver admitted to having “a small amount” in the car.

It’s reportedly out of the ordinary for men to shop at high-end retail cosmetic stores, according to a report regarding a shoplifting. Nevertheless, the unusual customer made off with about $800 of stolen goods.

Police were notified that a student at a local middle school had pornographic images on their electronic device. The downstream effects of 2020 keep surprising us in weirder and weirder ways.