All-American Badass o’ the Week: After receiving a call about two aggressive pitbulls on the loose in a neighborhood, a police officer pulled up and saw the dogs rooting through a trash bag near where a little girl was standing in a front yard. The cop got out of his car, opened one of the back doors, and got the dogs’ attention. The two pitbulls charged at him, and he grabbed the first one by the scruff of the neck and threw it into the vehicle. The second dog bit him on the thumb, but then he got control of that dog and put it in the backseat as well. Animal Control arrived later and removed the dogs from the police cruiser with a snare pole.

Somebody stole an iPad from the backseat of a car, used it to look at porn on the internet, and then threw it in a trash can. Might want to wipe that screen off thoroughly.

A man was found passed out in his vehicle at 9:45 a.m. with an aerosol can of computer duster in his lap — because the best part of wakin’ up is aromatic hydrocarbons in your huff.

A man was found knocked out on the sidewalk in front of a bar with blood coming from his nose. When police woke him, the man refused to be treated by EMS and insisted he didn’t want police assistance, saying, “Sometimes you have to take an ass-whooping.” There’s that old Southern code of honor.

Two drunk dudes who were seen fighting on the sidewalk around 1 a.m. told police that they were “just sparring,” according to an incident report. It did not appear to be an officially sanctioned martial arts event, so both men were arrested on disorderly conduct charges.

A cop crossed paths with a woman who was driving the wrong way on the Don Holt Bridge and weaving around between lanes, forcing other drivers to swerve to dodge her. After the officer turned around, caught up with her, and asked if she would submit to a sobriety test, the woman said, “No,” then “Yes,” then “Wait … what?” Then she started yelling at the officer, firemen, and paramedics, saying things like “My boss is going to have all of your asses” and “I’m a fucking paralegal; I work for a lawyer.”

Police caught a man peeing on a wall in a parking garage. The parking garage had a public restroom on the same floor.

A 53-year-old man was backing his car out of a parking spot at a gas station when a woman rolled past in her car, causing him to slam on the brakes and yell out the window, “There is no need to be driving like a banshee.” This prompted the woman’s friend to get out of the passenger seat of her vehicle, walk over to the older man’s car, open the door, pull him out, and slap him all over the head and neck.

Stolen From Vehicles This Week: A laptop computer, an iPad, a tablet computer, two purses, a driver’s license, a debit card, $45 in cash, and a 12-gauge shotgun.

Police stopped a man who was stumbling down a residential street with an unopened can of beer in his hand. The officer asked the man if he was impaired, to which the man replied, “OK, you need to back this shit up. If I was a cracka and stumbling, you wouldn’t be harassing me, motherfucker.” He was arrested on a charge of disorderly conduct.

Somebody stole a car from a church parking lot. God was watching, but surveillance cameras were not.

Drug Stash o’ the Week: While searching a man’s vehicle, police found a Hannah Montana backpack that was stuffed with cocaine and heroin.

A man called police to say he had stepped out onto his girlfriend’s porch for a cigarette when a short stocky man robbed him at gunpoint. When police arrived on the scene, they found two bags of marijuana near the victim’s feet and arrested him on a marijuana possession charge as well as an outstanding warrant for failure to appear in court in Cayce, S.C. Some guys have all the luck.

After a police officer investigated a report of a noise violation on a docked boat, the boat’s owner repeatedly called 911 for half an hour to curse the dispatchers out for sending a cop onto his vessel. Seriously, though, what do you do with a drunken sailor?

Neighbors in an apartment complex called police about a noise violation, and when the cops arrived, they found a man with wine stains on his shirt who was playing his music too loudly. The man said he would turn the music down, but shortly after the cops left, he reportedly went out on his porch, jumped up and down, and yelled, “Black people don’t like white people!”

Somebody stole a wallet containing $98 from a woman’s purse in a donut shop. That’s the kind of offense you can’t just glaze over.

A young male bar patron tried to get in the way of police and talk to a girl who they were escorting out of the bar on an underage drinking charge. When the officers told the young man to get out of the way, he informed them that it was his 21st birthday and then flipped them the bird and said, “Fuck both of you.” He was arrested on a disorderly conduct charge.