Blotter o’ the Week: A shoplifter attempted to run from a store with a 60-pound “inflatable spa.” While attempting to place the spa in his vehicle, it became clear to the thief that his car doors would not close due to the size of the stolen goods. Pursued by store security, the man attempted to speed away, but his car stalled after he backed into a stack of garden supplies. With his getaway vehicle out of commission, the man fled on foot, leaving behind his vehicle and the spa.

A woman returned home one evening to find her freezer door open and two ham and cheese Hot Pockets missing from inside. Upon further inspection, she discovered that her diamond ring was also missing. The woman told police that she suspects her ex-boyfriend has been entering her home without permission to help himself to her microwavable treats.

A disgruntled bar patron was tossed from a downtown club after refusing to leave a stranger’s VIP booth. The irate interloper was then not-so-carefully escorted to the club’s VAP section for “very annoying people.”

An underage woman attempting to enter a bar was busted for a fake ID when an officer noticed that the back of her license was printed upside down. Remember kids, if you’re going to buy a fake ID, make sure the forger has at least seen an example of the real thing.

A woman was upset with her mother for being intoxicated around her kids, so she hit her in the head with a can of spaghetti.

Police responding to reports of a group of vandals stopped four men walking downtown, one of which was bleeding from open cuts on his hand. According to an incident report, the man’s friend told police that he became upset with them for making fun of him and punched out the window of a nearby law firm. Fortunately, he knows where to find a good attorney.

Police responded to reports of a man vomiting blood in a public park, but luckily, it wasn’t blood. It was just regular vomit.

A group of hotel guests refused to leave their room, and police were forced to saw off the door latch in order to gain entry.

A shoplifter shuffled out of a grocery store with more than $200 in stolen crab legs. It was a shell of a heist, and the thief has so far been able to evade the long arm of the claw.

A woman was looking outside her apartment window when she noticed her upstairs neighbor fall from his third-floor balcony onto the ground below. According to an incident report, officers believe the man was enjoying a few beers while sitting on the railing of his porch when he toppled over backwards.

A local woman attempted to buy a pug online from a person in Oklahoma. But after wiring almost $400 to the person listed in the Craigslist ad, the woman has heard nothing in return. Let this be a reminder to buy only locally-sourced pugs.

A woman with a black ski mask, black gloves, and three pairs of blue shoe covers was found climbing out of a man’s window while he was out of town. The homeowner had grown more and more suspicious over recent weeks believing that someone had been following his moves. His suspicions began when he discovered a GPS tracker lodged under the muffler of his car. After that incident, the man found a camera hidden in his home while cleaning. Leaving home to fly across the country, he asked his housesitter to keep an eye out for anything strange, but chances are they didn’t expect to get roped into more espionage action.