Blotter o’ the Week: A man brought brass knuckles to a fight in a Tex-Mex fast food parking lot. Dude must’ve been loco … like, Doritos Loco.

A man was sitting at a bar with a lady friend when a stranger walked up and grabbed the woman’s nipples. The man told the stranger, “I don’t know where you come from, but around here we don’t treat ladies like that.” The stranger responded by punching the man in the jaw and breaking his glasses.

Police spotted a man stumbling along downtown sidewalks around 7:30 a.m. pulling on locked business doors and yelling. When asked what he was doing, the man announced, “Man, I am DRUNK!”

Cop Grammar o’ the Week: “… the strong odors of fresh and burnt Marijuana emanated from the Offenders person and breathe.”

Jackass o’ the Week: According to a police report, an officer saw a man standing outside around 1 a.m. “yelling in a profane and derogatory manner about women.” When the officer approached the man, the man said, “You are a fucking asshole.” The officer noticed the man was drunk, so he led him to a street corner to catch a taxi, at which point the man attempted to elbow the officer in the face.

Somebody stole a credit card from a hotel room and used it to spend $8 at a pizza restaurant, $3 at a mall pretzel stand, and $396 at a beauty supply store. Just goes to show that it’s possible to have sticky fingers and perfect nails.

Vocabulary Lesson o’ the Week: After being pulled over for driving without a seat belt, a man told a police officer that he looked like “a shrub.” When the officer asked what he meant by that, the man said, “a little ugly white dickhead cop.” The Knights Who Say Ni would beg to differ.

While taking a lunch break at a construction site, a woman watched as a man yelled, threw his hard hat down the street in anger, and then grabbed his hand as if he had injured it. When she got up to offer the man a bag of ice for his hand, she realized he had punched a dent in her truck, so she confronted him about it. The man replied, “This is how I roll, and I will beat up everyone on this job site including you and your son.” Then he ran away because he’s a tough guy.

A man with a walker and an open bottle of vodka was seen sitting on a bench at the City Market and peeing on the sidewalk. When asked about it, the man said, “I couldn’t help myself. I had to go somewhere.” A better excuse would have been, “I’ll quit doing it when the carriage horses quit doing it.”

Around 3 a.m., a driver refused to pay the toll at the exit of a parking garage, backed his vehicle up, and then plowed through the entrance gate.

A woman says she was walking to her car in a parking garage when a man approached her and said he had locked his keys in his car. He asked her to call AAA, then grabbed the phone from her hand and started jerking off. The woman grabbed her phone back, ran out of the garage, and called 911.

A man tried paying for a chainsaw and a brush cutter with an invalid credit card. When the card was rejected, he said he was going to the customer service desk to fix the problem, but instead he pushed his shopping cart out to the parking lot, threw the equipment in the back of a yellow muscle car, and drove off.

Stolen From Vehicles This Week: A purse, two wallets, a license plate, $55 in cash, a driver’s license, a hunting and fishing license, a credit card, a debit card, a checkbook, $450 worth of restaurant gift cards, a $50 gift card to a sporting goods store, a medical insurance card, and a house key.

When a cop asked a woman what she was drinking from a red plastic cup on the sidewalk, she replied, “Water.” When the officer leaned over and noted that the drink was brown, the woman revised her answer to “Water and bourbon.”

Somebody stole $70 worth of razor blades from a grocery store. For some men, the Schick Quattro just isn’t enough blades.

Paula Deen Excuse o’ the Week: “Why does the white guy always get picked on? I can’t stand how all the black people get away with stuff!”

A man expressed his love for a store manager one night by leaving flowers at the store’s front door and writing both of their names with heart shapes in marker all over the entryway and front window. Where’s John Cusack when you need a lesson in wooing women?

A clearly intoxicated man fell off his bicycle and fell asleep on the curb.