Blotter o’ the Week: A Warhammer Putrid Blightking figure was stolen from a shop. Also known as the Exalted Champions of Nurgle, this loose brotherhood that populates the northernmost regions of the world appears to have lured another person over to the dark side, tempted by a $55 figurine.

A couple suspects their handyman stole more than $101,000 worth of jewelry from their unlocked safe. The alleged heist includes two platinum rings valued at $70,000, and a coin reportedly worth $16,000.

A true folk hero was spotted using a reciprocating saw to remove a parking boot off of his vehicle in the middle of the afternoon.

Two shoplifters stuffed their bags with 22 separate articles of clothing and made off with a haul valued at $442.

An intoxicated man in short-shorts took a break in between vomiting to grab another beer as police looked on just waiting for a break in the digestive mayhem.

One day, a young man was showing off his new knife to a buddy. Later that evening when it was time to go to sleep, the young man leapt into bed, landing on the knife which stabbed into his back. The man’s injuries were not life-threatening, but he will probably ease into the sheets next time.

An officer was walking around downtown when two passersby pointed to a man and said, “Hey, I just saw that guy’s dick.” When questioned by the officer, the man turned out to be just drunk enough to expose himself, but too intoxicated to answer why his pants were unzipped.

One young woman called police after receiving harassing texts from someone who accused her of sleeping with her boyfriend. After a confrontation at a downtown bar, the woman returned home to find a sign taped to her fence that referred to the woman as a “fugly slut” who exchanges sexual favors for drugs.

One diehard Tarantino fan tried to shoplift a DVD copy of The Hateful Eight and two packs of Junior Mints, but was tracked down inside of the mall food court and forced to hand over the stolen goods. Luckily, this inglorious bastard made it out of this heist with both of his ears intact, even though he may end up sitting in jail from dusk till dawn.

A husband placed several sets of silverware in his wife’s purse as the two enjoyed a dinner date at a local pancake establishment. The couple was later questioned by police after neglecting to pay their bill and falling asleep inside the booth at the restaurant.

An intoxicated man was walking along King Street when an officer overheard him tell someone on the phone that he was on Bull Street. The officer then informed the man of his actual location, to which the man replied by shouting obscenities at the officer.

Someone stole a donations jar from a pizza shop with an estimated $400-500 inside. The jar had been chained to the counter, but a restaurant employee also informed the officer that a second item was missing from the business: a set of bolt cutters.

A high school student was found in possession of a bright pink Taser with a matching canister of pepper spray.

A man told police that a woman used a knife “bigger than Rambo” to slash the tires on his vehicle. She is also said to have cracked the front windshield and poured water in the gas tank, racking up an estimated $5,000 in damage.

A woman responded to an ad on Craigslist in reference for a room to rent. After wiring her first month’s rent and an initial deposit to her online contact, the woman visited her new home only to find that it was occupied and she had never spoken with the building’s actual owner.