Blotter o’ the Week: An intoxicated man clad in khakis and riding a pink bicycle was stopped by police following reports that a suspect matching his description had made repeated attempts to damage a stop sign. An empty liquor bottle was found in the man’s back pocket, but the potential hatred for all things red and octagonal was likely hidden deep in his heart.

A repeat shoplifter was finally detained by security at a West Ashley grocery store. According to an employee at the store, the woman attempted to leave with four protein bars without paying and had stolen spices and other items in the past. The woman later admitted to attempting to steal the $11 worth of snacks, saying that she had been shoplifting from the store “longer than I should have,” according to an incident report.

A woman suspects that a friend of her ex-boyfriend slashed her tire after the two got into an argument over some stolen Xanax bars.

A business called police after receiving a suspicious package from California. After opening the package, the man found a manila envelope containing a bottle wrapped in a plastic sleeve and six sheets of white paper. Inside the bottle was an unknown liquid, which police sent to the crime lab for analysis.

An intoxicated man in a fast-food drive-thru was asked to exit his vehicle after almost crashing into the building. While speaking with police, the man urinated in his pants, which is probably a good sign that he needed more than a Happy Meal.

A man called police to report that he had been robbed by one of the prostitutes he had hired for the evening. Inside the man’s home, police noticed multiple empty bottles of pink lemonade vodka, which matched the color of the drink in his hand.

An intoxicated driver dragged a few traffic cones behind his vehicle as he pulled into a business parking lot during a traffic stop. When asked by an officer if he would be willing to perform a field sobriety test, the wannabe expert in Constitutional law replied, “I plead the 5th” and was soon placed under arrest.

Police happened upon a man about to enjoy a nice, cold beer in the parking lot of a dollar store. When the man noticed officers approaching, he sat the beer on the ground. The beer spilled as the man spoke with police, who soon noticed the frothy, golden liquid pooling around his feet. When asked why he always chose to drink in public, the man answered, “I didn’t drink it. I was gonna drink it” before bursting into laughter. Kudos for showing that there’s no use crying over spilled beer.

An officer discovered a man lying on the ground downtown. While the man was not wearing any pants when the officer found him, he was lying on top of a pair of jeans, which doesn’t quite count as wearing them in the eyes of the law. Also found by the officer was a crack pipe that the man had tucked away in one of the pockets of his discarded trousers.

A shirtless patron was removed from a bar against his will late one evening. After telling a nearby officer, “I don’t want to talk to you,” the man continued to loiter outside of the bar and shout obscenities in its general direction.

Officers noticed the smell of marijuana from a passing vehicle one evening. Following a traffic stop, one of the very enthusiastic men in the car told an officer, “Yeah! We been smoking!” according to an incident report.

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