Blotter o’ the Week: A resident at a nursing home was walking outside the building with her dog when she saw a fellow resident put down a box of donuts, unzip his pants, and pee on the side of the building. When she asked him what he was doing, the man reportedly turned toward her and kept peeing. The woman went inside and was about to get on the elevator when the man cut in front of her and called her a bitch.

After getting left behind at a bar by his friends, a man walked onto the porch of a stranger’s house and fell asleep. When police woke him to place him under arrest, they found $3,000 in cash in his pocket.

While a police officer was confiscating his baggie of weed, a man complained, “I paid $5 for that!” Should’ve kept the receipt.

After a man tried to walk out of a grocery store without paying for the two cases of beer he was carrying, he told a police officer that he was going to call his mom who is “the mayor of this county.”

Somebody broke a window and knocked over a gravestone in front of a burial marker business.

Somebody broke a window on a car and stole a diaper bag from inside. It was a pretty crappy thing to do.

Bad Trip o’ the Week: Some guys received a Snapchat from their friend showing himself taking hits of acid. When the friend’s roommate called them to say the man was tripping hard and trying to get out of the apartment, they rushed over and tried to keep him contained. While they successfully kept him from running out the door, they were unable to stop him from jumping out the second-story window. Police found the man shirtless, sweating profusely, and screaming about “sleep” and “Virgin Islands.”

When police patted a man down and found a lump in his coin pocket, the man took off running. The cops caught up to him, and he confessed, “I got it! It’s in my ass!” An officer then found $500 worth of heroin in the man’s “groin area,” according to an incident report.

When police busted a man carrying a digital scale, a 9-mm semiautomatic pistol with an obliterated serial number, and $30 worth of crack cocaine in his car, the man said, “Times are tough. I’m just trying to make some money.”

Stolen From Homes This Week: Four TVs, a home theater sound system, two laptop computers, an XBox 360, a Chevy Tahoe, a leveler tool, and $85,000 in cash from a hidden safe.

Somebody stole nine ladders from a construction site. We’re guessing morale (and everything else) was pretty low at the site the next day.

A man reportedly played some golf, drank 13 beers, and then got in a taxi to ride home. When he got home, he refused to pay the $30 fare and then told a police officer that he had never intended to pay the fare. He was arrested on a charge of defrauding a public accommodation.

Police received a call from a man who wanted a police escort to help him pick up his belongings. When the officers arrived, the man said he no longer wanted an escort, but he did want to go jail. An officer explained that he couldn’t arrest the man because he had not committed any crimes, so the guy picked up a recycling bin and threw it at the cop’s car. Police gave the man a citation on a charge of disorderly conduct, although the incident report is unclear on whether the man was taken to jail.

Somebody shoplifted nine circuit breakers from a hardware store. Management blew a fuse when they found out.

Impatient with the service at a bar, a man pulled out his balls, placed them on top of the bar, and pointed at them. According to a police incident report, the staff noted that the man “was heavily intoxicated when he displayed his genitals.” One would hope so.

When a cop tried to stop a woman who was riding her bike the wrong way on a one-way street, she reportedly steered onto the sidewalk and started riding toward the officer. The officer said, “Police, stop,” to which the woman replied, “I’m a girl; you can’t search me.” The officer then grabbed the bike’s handlebar and put a foot on the tire, then restrained the woman as she tried to reach toward her pants. The woman admitted she had some crack cocaine in her pants, which the officer allowed her to retrieve herself before placing her under arrest.

After getting in an argument with the staff at a bar, a man who said he was on Xanax told police he was in the CIA and a frequent drug abuser.

Anarchist o’ the Week: After getting sloshed at a bachelor party, a man was seen jumping up and down and hitting a sign with an open palm while shouting, “Fuck the police!” He was arrested on a public disorderly conduct charge.