Illustration by Steve Stegelin

The Blotter is taken from reports filed with Charleston Police Department between Nov. 11 and No. 16. No one described in this section has been found guilty, just unlucky.

BLOTTER O’ THE WEEK: A West Ashley convenience store manager watched as a man tugged on the locked doors at the front entrance, breaking the lock and forcing a door open. He then walked into the store like this was totally ordinary. We’re wondering why this wasn’t filed under some sort of drug offense, because either this man is high as a kite, or he is a superhero.

Police confronted two people sitting in a running car with a blue book bag between the passenger’s legs. The passenger told the officer that there was candy in the bag, which was reportedly true, according to the police account. But, the passenger also said there were no weapons in the bag. That was less true.

One man told officers he shouldn’t get in trouble for brandishing a gun because he bought it off of a “junkie on the bike path.” Listen, strange men distributing firearms is no basis for a system of legal immunity.

More than $6,500 in perfume and candles were stolen from a downtown women’s lingerie store over two separate incidents. Soon, perfume displays will have to be put under lock and key — like diamonds in a jewelry store or Axe at the drug store — and malls everywhere will smell like department stores instead of mass-market parfumeries. On second thought, keep it up.

A West Ashley man told officers someone tried to steal his motorcycle, destroying the ignition switch and steering column in the attempt. These amateur bike burglars are just making the seasoned veterans look bad, now.

A passenger of a West Ashley vehicle with stolen tags said he had only been in the back seat for 10 minutes and had no idea about any illegal activity by the driver. He went on to say he was only there because he was trying to get food from the restaurant across the street. We believe him, but man, he should have just walked.

A West Ashley man was arrested for driving under the influence after his vehicle crashed into the front entrance of a liquor store. As a reminder to drivers, you’re supposed to park the car and walk into the store. Those are crucial steps.

A bicycle went missing from a Daniel Island home, and the owner described it as being a home-made beach cruiser featuring mis-matched parts, bent handlebars and a wobbly, zip-tied seat. We aren’t saying the dude should buy a new bike, but yea.

One West Ashley woman told police her children’s father had stuffed a Snickers bar into her Chrysler Sebring’s gas tank. This may actually have been a favor: Maybe, like in the commercials, it was a PT Cruiser before being given the Snickers.

Officers detected a strong smell of burning marijuana coming from a downtown apartment and knocked on the door. A man inside swung the door wide open, letting officers see the baggie full of weed on the coffee table in front of another man. We’re pretty sure the only thing being questioned more than those two is the friendship between them.

One man told officers he didn’t have anything stolen from his car after it had been broken into, but his significant other, who had some belongings in the back, had some things taken. Checks out.