BLOTTER O’ THE WEEK: Police witnessed a man sprinting through a downtown neighborhood in jeans and a long sleeve shirt. Sweating profusely in the midday heat, police pulled up next to the man to check on his well-being. The officers asked if the man was in trouble. Still running, the man responded, “Why are you fucking stopping me? It’s not illegal to run drunk!” He was mistaken.

A minivan was reported stolen from a downtown parking lot. The victim of the theft also reported that a box with eight jugs of powder protein and four 12-packs of liquid protein were in the back. The cast of Jersey Shore has been brought in for questioning.

Unexpectedly Insightful Threat o’ the Week: “You can die today or tomorrow. It can happen just like that.”

A man’s backpack was stolen from the back seat of his unlocked car. Inside the backpack? A coat, a chef hat, and chef pants. Be on the lookout for any suspicious looking Swedish Muppets.

While administering a field sobriety test, an officer had to remind a man on his 23rd step that he was supposed to turn around after nine.

He’s a Lumberjack and He’s OK Threat o’ the Week: After being evicted from his apartment, a man began sending intimidating text messages to his landlord’s phone. One such text suggested, “You need to be axed in the head.”

An officer approached a man on suspicion of public intoxication. Unprompted, the man said to the officer, “Can I get a ride to court yesterday?”

Taken into custody for vandalism, an offender was informed of his Miranda rights, including the fact that anything he says can and will be used against him in a court of law. The offender responded, “I knew I shouldn’t have done that. I didn’t take any money really. Oh God, I’m sorry. I have weed too.”

Good Samaritan Threat o’ the Week: “When I get down there, I’m going to beat your ass and call EMS for you as I’m leaving.”

The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.