Blotter o’ the Week: Witnesses say a man walked up to a stranger in a hookah bar, punched him in the head, and then broke three of the hookahs. Way to harsh the mellow, man.

Police saw a man running in the middle of a street at 1 a.m. When the man saw the police cruiser, he ran into an abandoned lot and tried to hide behind a tree. After the officers arrested him on a public intoxication charge, the man said, “I’m a detective with Miami-Dade Police Department,” then immediately revised his statement to say that he was in the process of applying for a job there. Then he said he was running because a group of people was trying to “jump” him because he attends The Citadel.

Somebody stole an $8,500 wristwatch that was left in a gym bag on top of a locker in a locker room.

When asked if she wanted to take a field sobriety test, a woman told an officer that she would “fail the shit out of the test because I am drunk.”

Open Containers o’ the Week: A 24-oz. can of malt liquor tucked between a man’s arm and his backpack, a 16-oz. malt liquor in a brown paper bag, and an empty mini-bottle of cinnamon whiskey in the passenger seat of a car parked in an intersection.

A man stole two racks of pork ribs from a grocery store by hiding them under his jean jacket. Fella must’ve had some sticky fingers.

Somebody stole a guitar amplifier that had been delivered to a house and left outside the front door.

Around 1:40 a.m., a police officer saw a man and woman hanging out in a public park that closes from dusk until dawn. He told them they needed to clear out, but the man replied that his tax money paid for the park and he didn’t need to leave. Then he pulled out a cell phone and said he would “love to record the incident,” according to the police report. The officer asked the man to leave one last time, to which the man replied by yelling, “Fuck that!” The officer arrested him on a public disorderly conduct charge.

Somebody stole both of the windshield wiper blades from a man’s vehicle while he was attending a church function.

Police stopped and arrested a man on a DUI charge. He said he was driving to get a 12-pack. When asked if he had a driver’s license on him, he replied, “Apparently, I do not.”

A man stumbled over to a police cruiser, said, “Come on, man, let’s go for a ride,” and then tried to open the passenger door. When the officer told him that it was a cop car and not a taxi cab, the man replied, “I know, man, let’s go for a ride.” The officer arrested him on a public disorderly conduct charge and took him for a ride to jail.

A woman was caught trespassing at an apartment complex where she had been banned. She said she had just run into one of the apartments to have a friend put on her fake eyelashes for her.

When asked about the marijuana he had stashed in his sock, a man said, “Oh, I forgot that was there.” A pleasant surprise.

While police were questioning a man who had been carried out of a bar around 1:30 a.m. and passed out on the sidewalk, they asked him if he knew who the president was. He answered, “T-Pain.”

After a police officer responded to a noise violation complaint and broke up a loud house party, everybody but one man dispersed. The man cursed and yelled and tried multiple times to flick his lit cigarette at the officer, eventually hitting the officer’s uniform in the chest. He was arrested on a disorderly conduct charge.

Surveillance camera footage showed a man breaking into a bank around 5 a.m. by picking the lock with a credit card. It appears he stole some legal pads and an espresso machine before leaving through a side door.

A man stole 87 brass towel bar connectors from a hotel where he was working on a demolition crew and then sold them as scrap metal.