Blotter o’ the Week: “A DEATH THREAT HAS BEEN ISSUED AGAINST YOUR LIFE. YOU ARE GOING TO DIE WITHIN 30 DAYS.” If you are going to threaten someone’s life, which we strongly advise you don’t do, try not to make it look like a promotional mass text from a retail outlet.

A woman turned in $120 she found blowing around in the sidewalk because some people apparently have values.

Forty hours after a woman broke up with her ex-boyfriend, he called her at work claiming to be a police officer with a subpoena for her, even though his number was clearly visible on caller ID.

Officers responded to a call near Market Street about a “white male in a business suit that was intoxicated and making several verbal threats toward citizens, and was possibly in a physical altercation with a carriage company employee.”

When he was confronted by a discount store employee after stealing a pack of white crew socks and a six-pack of Dove soap, a man replied “this is my stuff” and ran out the door.

Shortly after exiting a downtown bank, a man was followed out the door, pushed to the ground, and stripped of a small bag of cash.

A woman’s unlocked car cost her a $410 purse, an iPhone, her keys, her social security card, and three bank cards.

A woman called the cops on a man she already had a restraining order against after inviting him over for pizza and movies.

An employee at a King Street gift shop stole $748 worth of goods from the store, including a lamp that the employee claimed had broken in the store.

A customer returned a loaner car to a West Ashley dealership with a bullet hole on the hood and a single bullet resting atop the engine.

Walking around in long pants and a zipped-up jacket on a night that’s “87 degrees with high humidity” is apparently enough reason for the cops to stop you.

A man walked out of a West Ashley department store with a 60-inch flat screen in a shopping cart and no one did anything about it.

A James Island day care temporarily suspended a teacher after a child told his mom that she had “slinged him.” Another teacher told officers that she had seen the abusive teacher squeeze children’s fingers until they cried, and that she once told her she knew all the “blind spots” in the room away from cameras.