For 15 years, the City Paper has brought you the stories of Charlestonians in their finest hours — puking, thieving, driving drunk, and smoking crack — right here in the Blotter. Don’t lie; you always turn to this page first. For this special anniversary issue, we sifted through our archives and painstakingly compiled these, the 15 absolute best (or worst) moments in the history of the Blotter.
15. Former College of Charleston varsity tennis players pulled the ultimate “double fault” when they told cops they had been “forced” by a knife-wielding black man to smoke crack with them for four hours one night, even though he hadn’t threatened them with the knife in hours. The two, one of whom was eventually charged with filing a false police report, called police after they realized they had a drug test the next week.
14. A group of people leaving church saw a naked man smashing a guitar on the basketball court across the street. When the naked man noticed the crowd, he put the guitar down, turned around, and bent over, shaking his own musical instruments at the horrified congregation.
13. Two women were fighting over a cell phone downtown when one of the women, apparently drunk on moonshine, stabbed the other woman in the calf with a flathead screwdriver. Rednecks are funny.
12. Best Quote Overheard at the Police Station: An officer calling in a lunch delivery says, “Can your delivery driver bring change for a $100 bill? … Don’t worry about it, ma’am. It’s the police station. Everyone here has guns.”
11. A car owner reported that a woman had poured sugar into her gas tank. The vandal left a note reading, “I warned you on several occasions. Have a blessed day.”
10. Responding to a domestic disturbance call, officers found a woman punching her husband in the chest. The man said she got angry when he accused her of cheating, and she allegedly “removed a tampon from her genitals and struck the victim in the face with it, stating, ‘How can I be cheatin’ and my period is on.’ ”
9. A man suspected of public drunkenness told officers he was “the drunkest man in Charleston.” Unfortunately, there is no charge for public drunkestness.
8. Every night for a week, someone trespassed on a woman’s property and urinated on her Gamecocks beach chair. Clemson should stick to how it usually relieves itself: pissing away every football season.
7. An underage drinker booked for public drunkenness said, “I didn’t know Charleston city cops were such douche bags.” When told he should take his arrest seriously, the kid replied, “I’ve got a 3.8 GPA. They won’t do shit to me.” You know, we should change the drinking age from 21 to however old you are when you stop using your GPA as a sign of intelligence.
6. A King Street shoe store reported a break-in. Nothing had been taken or damaged, but someone did leave a dump in the employee toilet. What’s the fine on something like that, anyway?
5. Two farmers market workers got into an argument. “There is going to be a war today,” one of the men told a witness. “The pasta guy has been fucking with me for two weeks. I guess I’m going to have to shoot him.”
4. Responding to a call that shots had been fired, police arrived on the scene to find the victim in “an extremely emotional state.” Turning around to show a bullet hole in his back pocket, the man yelled, “I’ve been shot in my ass!” He won’t have to kiss that ass goodbye, though. The bullet was found lodged in his wallet.
3. Best Excuse: “That’s not my crack. I’m disabled.”
2. A couple allegedly tried to skip out on a restaurant bill. They were later apprehended at the Holiday Festival of Lights — in a church bus.
1. A man told police that his wife “tried to stick my penis in my butt.”
The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.