BLOTTER O’ THE WEEK: Two men got in a fight in the street. Their respective weapons of choice? A BB rifle and a pole.

Long Night o’ the Week: A drunk man got mad and yelled at a convenience store clerk after she refused to sell him a beer — at 6 a.m. When police arrived, he told them, “I don’t drink alcohol; I drink beer. I had five beers.”

A shoplifter tried to steal two pairs of jeans from a department store by putting them on in the dressing room underneath his baggy khakis. The tri-panted trickster was busted when a loss prevention officer spotted the blue jean cuffs sticking out.

Cop Grammar o’ the Week: “Do [sic]to his uncooperative manner and his deferred hand jesters toward his bag I placed handcuffs on the Offender.”

Some kids threw rocks over a fence into a parking lot and ended up doing $1,875 worth of damage to the windshield and fenders of two BMWs. Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference between class warfare and mindless youthful destruction.

A marina employee found a sailboat tipped over on its side and partially submerged beside the dock. The owner must have had a sinking feeling when she heard about it.

Federal Offense o’ the Week: Someone vandalized a woman’s mailbox three times.

Ladykiller o’ the Week: When an officer pulled a man over and asked for the name of the woman sitting in the passenger seat, the driver said, “We just started dating, and I don’t know her name.”

A man with a walking cane got in a fight with another man who cursed him out in a parking lot. His explanation? “He cursed me … so I hit him with my stick.”

Theft o’ the Week: Someone broke into a house and stole a Nintendo Wii, 10 Wii games, a four-pack of toothbrushes, and an eight-pack of cucumber-scented bath soap.

Somebody painted a penis in the parking lot at the Post and Courier office. We swear we know nothing about it.

DUI Bar Tab o’ the Week: During a police stop, a woman told police she had consumed a shot of vodka, an 8-oz. beer, an $11 bottle of beer, and a bottle of wine.

A man with a suspended driver’s license was caught going 80 mph in a 30 mph zone. He said he had drunk two beers.

Giant Baby o’ the Week: According to a police report, the suspect in a residential theft is “6 feet in height, approximately 20 hrs old.”

The victim of a hit-and-run collision told police that the driver who hit her had short dark hair, was wearing a polo shirt with sunglasses on the back of his neck, and looked like “every other Charlestonian.”

Four shoplifters made off with $6,638.50 worth of merchandise from a lingerie store and are now the proud owners of a pair of panties for every day of the month.

Someone broke into a house, stole a laptop computer, and ate some food out of the fridge, leaving dirty dishes on the table. The nerve!

Stupid Complaint o’ the Week: A man told police, “I’m the only fucking white guy in this apartment building, and I’m tired of that motherfucker downstairs selling me crack. I have bought crack off him for the last fucking five years, and I’m tired of it.”

A man tried to steal a bottle of wine by stuffing it down his pants. That plan needed a little more time on the vine.

The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.