Duct Tape Application No. 58,932: When a police officer was conducting a sobriety test on a driver in a parking lot, he couldn’t find a straight line to make the man walk along, so he placed a line of duct tape on the ground.

When police found a baggie of cocaine in a man’s cargo pants, the man said, “I am just holding that for a friend,” and “Do you know what it weighs? It is 0.6 grams.” When asked how he knew how much the coke weighed, the man said, “Because I just bought it.” Cover … blown.

An officer stopped a man for riding a bicycle on the sidewalk and asked for identification. The man pulled out his South Carolina ID card, which was folded in half and had trace amounts of marijuana stuck to it, and was arrested on a possession charge.

All-Time Low o’ the Week: Police found a man in the City Market around 1 a.m. “leaning over, holding on to a market table, and violently throwing up,” according to an incident report. When police asked the man for identification, the man explained that he was holding his license in his left hand and then proceeded to pat down his own pockets looking for the ID. The man was given a ticket for public intoxication.

A man was found sleeping on a skateboard ramp around 9 a.m. Time to rise and grind, friend.

A man who was under arrest on a charge of disorderly conduct somehow managed to kick open the window separating the back of a police cruiser from the front. While attempting to kick an officer in the front seat, the man said, “How do you like that?” and “You [expletive] ain’t seen nobody like me!”

Stolen From Vehicles This Week: A lawnmower trailer, a riding lawnmower, a GPS unit, an empty Coach wallet, two debit cards, two car keys, three house keys, an aluminum briefcase, four charging cords for electronic devices, a loaded .45-caliber handgun with a laser sight, a loaded handgun magazine, $3,100 worth of miscellaneous silver and gold items, $1,000 in cash, and $1,600 worth of loose diamonds.

Somebody grabbed a plant from outside a grocery store and drove off with it.

A man tried to shoplift a shaving razor and several rolls of unpackaged sushi by stuffing them in his cargo shorts pockets. He also had a bottle of beer concealed in the crotch area of his shorts.

Somebody stole a safe containing $12,000 to $15,000 in cash from a carriage company.

A tourist from Canada says she parked two bicycles inside the City Market shed around 3 p.m., returned an hour-and-a-half later, and was surprised to discover the bicycles were missing. She told police she had not locked either of the bicycles up but had “stuffed them in the corner.” File this under Evidence That Canada is a Magical Utopian Community.

A man told police that a stranger with road rage followed him into his apartment complex parking lot and punched him in the head before saying, “I live at Apartment 317 if you want to finish this.” Later, the man says, when he walked over to Apartment 317 to make peace, the stranger hit him again and knocked him to the ground.

A man shoplifted an $88 bottle of cologne from a department store. Eau de humanity!

A man believes his estranged wife was responsible for keying his car and flattening the driver’s side tires on his car. On closer inspection, it appeared that the tires had not been slashed, but the air had simply been let out.

A woman left her purse on a DJ’s table at a bar and returned 15 minutes later to discover it was missing. Last night a DJ didn’t save her life … or her belongings.

Police officers pulled up to the parking lot of a pizza restaurant and found two men wrestling on the ground. The men said they were “just playing and not fighting,” according to an incident report. When the officers checked the two men’s IDs, they discovered that one of the men had an active warrant for failing to appear in court on a littering charge. He was arrested.