BLOTTER O’ THE WEEK: Witnesses claim an unknown person ran over eight ducks in West Ashley.

A man was arrested when he was found sitting in his car along the Battery “pleasuring himself.” The view is nice, but it’s not that nice.

Officers responding to a domestic assault found a man with severe bite marks on his ear and scratches on his chest. Team Jacob: 1. Team Edward: 0.

Friendly advice to thieves: You really shouldn’t steal monogrammed jewelry and certainly nothing with someone’s complete name on it.

Items Stolen This Week: Three bikes, two GPS units, two laptops, and a Citadel class ring.

Police arrested a man for disorderly conduct after he allegedly threw a stool over the bar at a downtown restaurant and was combative with officers. During processing, the man began hitting his head on the trunk of the patrol car and again on the side of the transport van. If only there was a way to knock some sense into yourself before you go out on the town.

Unfortunate Admission O’ The Week: “Yes, I have been drinking, and, oh yeah, I peed on myself.”

Threat O’ The Week: “I’m going to punch out all the windows, and if I get through, it won’t be good.”

A man arrested for drug possession told officers, “I didn’t know it was in my pocket until I saw your badge and then I got scared and threw it.”

The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.