BLOTTER O’ THE WEEK: Guess the level of sobriety: “Officer was flagged down by a citizen … stating a person was hanging off a satellite dish.” Answer: Drunk. Really drunk.

An unknown thief made off with a woman’s car stereo equipment. It wasn’t a particularly challenging heist — the rear window was taped up with duct tape after a previous break-in.

A man was arrested for disorderly conduct after he entered a bank and requested a $1 million withdrawal. Trump Lite got upset when told that he not only didn’t have $1 million with the bank, he didn’t have an account at all.

Trying to get their buddy out of a bind, friends told officers that he’d passed out on the sidewalk because it was his 21st birthday.

The party wasn’t over yet, though — the birthday boy and six others were arrested for refusing to leave and disorderly conduct.

Items Stolen This Week: Eight bikes (including one with a baby seat), an iPod, a GPS unit, and two golf bags.

A drunk man was allegedly harassing two lesbians at a Market Street bar. The man was being escorted outside when police arrived. He told them that “a homosexual touched my ass and I’m offended.” When being booked at the jail, he told an officer, “You are just an asshole. I was just out trying to get laid and now you are ruining my life again.” Sounds like the perfect opening chapter to She’s Just Not That Into You.

The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.