Items stolen this week: Three bikes and an antique tea and tray set. Somebody frisk the stuffed animals at the tea party!

A man reported that his car had been stolen. He later admitted that he had traded the car (his grandfather’s) for some heroin, and he thought he could report it stolen and get it back without getting in trouble. What’s really sad is that he hatched this scheme before he was high.

A woman charged with driving under the influence told officers that “her vehicle had a defect which caused her to swerve all over the road.” She went on to fail the roadside tests, telling the officer that the one-legged balancing test was “impossible to do.”

An off-duty officer was leaving his house when he found a black Nautica toiletry bag lying on the ground near his mailbox. The bag contained various items such as polo cologne, reading glasses, and a toothbrush. Somewhere in Charleston, there’s a blind, stanky, one-night-stand with bad morning breath doing the walk of shame.

A local man was allegedly paid $20 for his services as a bodyguard. But a day later, his client threatened him with a knife at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. Once again proving that nothing is as glamorous as Kevin Costner would lead you to believe.

An unknown person broke into a woman’s laundry room, stealing a box of detergent, a bottle of Windex, and fabric softener. Sure, steal all of that, but leave the lint in the lint tray.

A CofC student was charged with trespassing. He’d allegedly been egging homes as part of a frat initiation. It was believable enough after officers found a broken egg in his pocket.

A man was found sleeping in the grass near a local homeless shelter. Asked how much he had had to drink, the man responded: “One, but it was about as big as your car.”

The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.