BLOTTER O’ THE WEEK: Two fast food employees got into a fight over who should be working the burger station. It ended when one pulled a knife and was arrested for simple assault. In other burger joint news, a manager of a different restaurant called police when an employee allegedly threatened him. The worker showed up late and appeared drunk. When the manager told him to go home, the employee reportedly threatened him, saying “My family and I will be waiting for you.” Is this a Tony Soprano family? Or a Kardashian family? Because one we’re scared of and the other one is fictional. Take your pick.

A high school student told police that a car cut him off on a recent night, nearly causing an accident. Hours later, he saw the same car again and the driver and three passengers pelted his car with paintballs, while also throwing lit firecrackers. The only description of the car he could give was that there were some college football stickers in the back window. Guys, paintball and firecraker shotput aren’t collegiate sports.

Drunk O’ The Week: A man found harassing people on a downtown street argued with officers. “I’m an alcoholic,” he said. “I’m not drunk yet.” Well, we guess he’d know.

A bike patrol officer found a woman drunk and passed out in front of a Market Street storefront. When she was unable to call any of her friends to come get her, he arrested her for disorderly conduct. Of course, she complained that the officer had better things to do, saying repeatedly that she had several friends who had been “raped and murdered” this semester. Yes, officers should leave the sleeping, slobbering drunk ladies alone on a downtown street and go save vulnerable, helpless women … wait a second!

Officers were parked in the city’s bus barn when a man approached them saying, “I am very drunk, and I think I need to go to jail.” If only the Blotter was delivered to us that easily.

Two women flagged down officers, claiming that a bouncer had requested a blowjob in exchange for letting them back in the club. One woman was explaining the story to an officer when the other came up and told her not to bother. “He’s a male. He’s not going to help … He has a (Citadel class) ring. He is not going to help, and he doesn’t care about women.” Told to file a complaint with the business, the two women were eventually arrested themselves for disorderly conduct after hitting a street sign and a car as they walked away.

Stolen Items O’ the Week: Two GPS units, three iPods, and two bikes.

The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.