BLOTTER O’ THE WEEK: An unidentified couple broke into a woman’s home, stealing milk and cereal, including a box of Lucky Charms.

Three men were smoking outside a King Street store late at night when a man approached them. He allegedly said, “Stab me. Stab me. You’re not a man unless you stab me.” The smokers told him to get lost and that’s when they claim the man grabbed one of them and threw him through a storefront window. Officers said the victim had a large gash on his head requiring several stitches. On the way to the jail, the suspect told officers that he would “not go through the door willingly.” Well, there’s always the window.

Sobriety Test O’ The Week: Asked to recite the alphabet from D to R, a man replied, “H, I, A, E, A, B, L, M, N, O, R, P, Q.”

Police responding to a hit and run found the suspect after he wrecked his car a second time farther down the street. Asked twice where he was coming from, the driver told officers, “Missing Street.”

Items Stolen This Week: Six iPods, three GPS units, two bikes, and a laptop

Police responded to a local boat and RV storage area in reference to several thefts. Victims noted that shirts and a jacket had been removed from two RVs. A third was broken into, but the owner wasn’t there to document missing items. Officers believe the suspect used a boat oar to break into the vehicles and stood on a bucket to climb in.

Officers asked a man suspected of driving under the influence to perform a sobriety test. “You know I’m going to jail. Why play these games?” he asked. After failing the test, the man began yelling in the police car that he was “not drunk enough to be arrested,” and he asked the officer to rate his sobriety on a “drunk spectrum.” As officers were completing the paperwork, the man became impatient, saying, “You are taking too long. You must be retarded. I’m drunk and I could finish that paperwork faster than you.”

The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.