BLOTTER O’ THE WEEK: A mother came home to find her 24-year-old son and his girlfriend having sex. Mom allegedly started swinging two kitchen knives at the girlfriend as she was getting dressed, causing a small cut on the young woman’s thumb and a cut in her shirt. It’s the danger you live with in a geographically flat locale without a make-out hill.

Items stolen this week: Four GPS units, a bike, an iPod, a laptop, and a trumpet

A woman performing roadside sobriety tests told officers she couldn’t perform the heel-to-toe test even if she wasn’t drinking and asked to skip all walking tests. Told to count backwards from 99 to 90, she said, “80, 80, 81, 83, 89.” The officer stopped her and repeated the instructions: 99 to 90 backwards. She replied, “79, 80, 84, 83, 78.”

Officers responding to a vandalism complaint could not get the victim to calm down. After warning him to lower his voice and stop swearing, the man reportedly told officers, “You can’t tell me what the hell to do,” before heading into his home. “You ain’t coming in my fucking house to get me,” he said. “If you try, I’ll roll your ass under the porch.”

A domestic dispute allegedly erupted on Christmas morning over money. Gee, and we thought it would be over who got to play with the robotic hamster first.

The manager of a downtown store described a shoplifting suspect as “dirty looking.” With the stormwater we’ve been wading through downtown, that really doesn’t narrow the list of suspects.

Threat O’ The Week: A woman accused of smashing the window of her ex-boyfriend’s car allegedly told him, “If I was a man, I would beat you up.”

The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.